The guilt is starting to sink in. It’s been quarantine time. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to work from home and identify a new schedule that works for my family and myself. I’ve been trying to balance this weird life we have right now the best I can. It’s been good, I’ve actually felt mentally okay. For the most part. However today, nope. It’s like the little angry guy from the movie Inside Out kicked the rest of the emotions out and completely took over.
I’ve started going back to the office physically, and the break away from my kids I thought would help. In reality, it’s better if I’m home. At least then, they aren’t all thirsty and craving my attention.
Can we talk about that for a minute?
Why do they need so much attention? I don’t remember being like this as a child! I stayed away from the adults so they couldn’t tell me what to do, I never wanted to be in their conversations. I had a ton of things to say, but never for attention, just to say it. All three of my little attention sucking minions need it though! I realize I will miss it when they are older and gone and it’s not quiet. When I’m bored and wish someone would need me to do something. However, there are definitely times, like today, where I could use that peace NOW!
Let me paint the picture.
Three girls. (That’s probably enough information) but three girls, all have different stories, at the same damn time, and then fighting because nobody is getting to talk. While I’m waiting in a motherfuking churches chicken drive thru, for 30 minutes because their damn drive thru speaker is broken. What is that? How is this even a drive thru, when I can’t even drive thru it because my ass is parked, waiting, to even order, because the damn speaker is broken! Therefore everyone is ordering AT THE WINDOW! Yes, I already pulled a “Karen” and I said they needed a damn super Karen to talk to upper management because how are they not fixing the damn speaker! I haven’t eaten all day, I’ve been gone all day and all I want to do is go home. But please little children, proceed to drain the rest of my energy and talk away, all of you….
In the moment, I went from impatient to furious to thinking the moment was hilarious because why am I even mad right now? Even though I was questioning myself, I was still mad. My kids knew I was angry too so in the back they are just throwing little fuel drops to my fire like, “Mom, how long have we been here?” “You’re really going to tell them about the speaker? Why is the speaker broken?” “This is dumb, this is taking forever!” Meanwhile I’m just getting amped up, ready to talk to this person at the window. Long story short, it was kid, he didn’t know why the speaker was broken, I got my food and complained online like a basic bitch! 🤷♀️
The point is, I was angry earlier and I felt like a shitty mom because all I really wanted was a break and the 30 minute car ride to get them wasn’t a break for me. Then it was non-stop when I picked them up and I really, really hate waiting so the drive thru situation was a trigger. In reality, I had to wait at Whataburger first because my oldest wanted that and yeah I should’ve said no but I didn’t so what got to me at the end of it all was I did it to myself!!!
Recognize when you’re mad at your own decisions. It’s comical sometimes like wow, I put myself in this shit. So by the end of the night, we played games and calmed down and I got a sticker for “putting us to bed” my four year old said.
So guess what, I’m not a shitty mom and yeah I felt guilty earlier but now, my kids show me unconditional love like I show them, so I’m alright!
Parents, get through the guilty times and reflect on how to make it better next time. Next time, my ass is going straight home! The End!