My brain is doing the thing again, playing defense. Not allowing the emotions to creep into my mind because I’ve cried enough. It’s time to step the fuck up now.
My dad is dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. COVID won’t even allow him to have any visitors so he has to go through everything alone. His words today were, “I just don’t want to die in the hospital.”
I’ve lost my sister and my mom to cancer so this isn’t my first trip with this monster. However, this time is different. This time, I can’t support my dad through this. I can only help from a distance.
With that being said, my wall goes up. I’ve accepted fate, I have to deal with it, there’s nothing I can do and I must move on in life.
So I continue to work, parent, and pretend that there is nothing wrong.
This post was started a couple of weeks ago, I never finished because obviously the emotions rise up and I’m currently in the process of shutting them down.
However, I’m trying again, to acknowledge the fact that I’m going to be sad. My dad is not sounding too good via text anyway. He doesn’t want to talk on the phone. The signs are flashing in my face and I’m nervous as hell.
Is that the Grim Reaper appearing for the fifth time? Another victim of cancer to join the other souls who are battling COVID and cancer, and all sorts of other fatal illness. Not to mention for the people who die suddenly, when people aren’t even ready, by the hands of others sometimes.
Either way, death is sad AF for the people who are left behind to grieve.
So here’s a poem to release my current thoughts.
The room is black, but my eyes are open.
The light seems to be distant.
My heart is starting to fill its tank.
Preparing for the battle of what’s consistent.
The inevitable, the end of our time.
The time when we take our last breath.
Close your eyes now, truth be told.
It’s time to finally rest.
This life is hell, this life ruthless.
This life can end so soon.
This life is completely what you make it.
Until for you, there’s no more room.
This is dark.
Let’s be fair.
Death isn’t bright.
Fuck all diseases, cancer, and COVID.
Fuck all the people who took other’s lives.
I’m terrified, I won’t be shy.
I’m scared as fuck to die.
My kids are young, they need me here.
But I don’t get to choose my time.
In summary, value your loved ones. Value those relationships you hold close with others. Accept what you can and can’t control. Death is coming either way, whether you or anybody else is ready and this is a touchy topic I’m aware. It makes me sad as fuck to talk about this. I would like to talk about it anyway, because it’s hard to process the inevitable sometimes. It helps me process that it’s real when I talk and write about it. Even though I’ve lost plenty of people, this is still a very hard topic for me and the underlying foundation of my anxiety. I’m not ready to die. So I’m at least leaving this behind in the event anything happens, but also videos and pictures. Videos are more important. If you’ve never lost someone close, take more videos. Get their voice, their laughs, everything. That is the closest thing you will have to them and I regret that I didn’t do that for my sister. I miss her the most and don’t have any videos of her really. I’m doing better with creating lasting memories of the loved ones that I have left. Cherish your time people!