Anxiety

The thing about anxiety is it is everything Tiffany Jenkins describes and then some. If you have never experienced it before, I’m happy for you. To the rest of you that do experience this, I’m sorry because I know it sucks.

To further elaborate on the video, when she mentions that everything her kids do, she thinks of a way that they could potentially die because of it, that is literally me! (If you didn’t watch the video, go back and watch it!)

My heart always feels like it’s racing. Time always seems to be passing by so fast that there’s not enough time to finish all of the things. I’m worried about my kids growing up and being ready for the world when in reality I need to be enjoying them in their youth. I think them playing outside alone will lead to kidnapping or murder. I think if my four year old runs towards the street, she doesn’t know when to stop and a car will turn sharply around the corner and take her out and then there’s a little bit more. That would probably be manageable if that was where the worries ended. Normal fears that mothers have being overprotective.

However, I think of beyond that.

I think of the hospital trip. I think of the doctor saying she didn’t make it. I think of the funeral. I think of life without her. I think of the amber alert issued for my oldest. I think of my middle child committing suicide because right now she’s weak minded and I want her to become stronger to overcome how fucked up this world can be. Then guess what happens, I get really fucking sad! Say hello to depression. We can get into that later.

These are just the anxiety of parenting examples. What about sleeping at night but constantly feeling that someone is about to break into your home and shoot you. Driving in your car and thinking someone is going to deliberately swerve into your lane just to. Going on a road trip and thinking about all of the potential things that could go wrong like a car accident, the tire can blow out, car breaking down in the middle of no where. The entire trip sucks until you make it to your destination and then you can finally breathe again. Going through a thunderstorm that 99% of the time probably isn’t going to hurt you, but constantly telling your children to get away from the windows because of lightening, watching the radar, looking at the trees, thinking a tornado is FOR SURE coming to rip the house down. And then….

Then, I think, we’re going to die, and if we don’t die, then where we live? Will I have enough money to figure that out? Everything is replaceable and we’re alive (hopefully), but what happens next?

Let’s not even get started on how it affects my work life. Constantly working to make sure that I don’t miss anything or mess it up. Constantly double and triple checking my work. Making sure that I hit everything even though I know I probably did but what if…. what if I didn’t? Days off, what’s that? I take one, the whole time a knot is in my stomach because I feel like since everyone else is working I should be too! I get through the day, a little guilty that I didn’t enjoy it a little bit more because everything ended fine even though I wasn’t present.

The worst part of it all is thinking that I could die at any moment and thinking of my kids having to live life without me. Like everyday could be my last day. Do you know how exhausting that is thinking that there isn’t a tomorrow?

Anxiety isn’t a really good friend but it has prepared me to be ready in many situations.

I’ve accepted that anxiety is a part of me. I think that’s step one?

I’m learning to cope with it the best way I can by recognizing when I’m being irrational. I recognize it but it doesn’t make the feeling go away. It just tries to get me through all of those negative thoughts until the next situation presents itself.

At the end of the day, life has to continue on, and every day I hope that it will, not just for me, but all of the people around me as well! Don’t let anxiety stop you from living. Learn to live with the anxiety and make life the best you can!

– Dear Perception

Learn more about Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

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