🌩 Before the Storm ⛈

anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

My head is filling up again

With tasks and priorities

Will it pop, how will this end?

I don’t think I’m ready.

I’m not ready to be angry.

I’m not ready to feel weak.

I’m not ready for virtual learning.

I’m not ready for a damn thing.

I want to stay in the moment.

The moment before shit hits the fan.

The moment before I lose my cool.

The moment before I fuck up again.

Can I depress before I explode?

That’s an answer that I don’t know!

It’s day by day, night by night.

How long will my brain try to fight?

Stay tuned till the next time.

Fingers crossed this all ends right!

-Dear Perception

Drained? Draining? 🤷‍♀️

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

Ok, so I know I usually post some pretty uplifting stuff, or at least try to find the positive in it. Although this post will not be super positive, I’ll continue to try to look for the lesson that is being taught.

One of the days this week was a hard day. Life has been a little stressful with work picking back up. That’s fine though, I love my job and working keeps my mind occupied for sure. Working two jobs is getting a little more stressful as well, but again, I signed up for it so I’m not about to complain about that whatsoever, I just know it has played a roll in my mental status a bit.

However, anxiety and depression can strike out of nowhere. You can feel like you’re doing alright and then a fucking train of sadness and overwhelmed feelings take over your mind. There’s no need to run from the train, you couldn’t even if you tried. I welcome the wreck with open arms, ready to see how I can fight my emotions.

There was a day where it was a little more challenging to hold it together and not lose my shit. However, we’re almost through the week and I’m still alright. I still can’t shake the anxious feeling, did I fuck up sometime? Can I do better tomorrow? Am I missing something? Am I doing a good job? Do I know what I’m doing? Am I getting too comfortable? Should I check my professionalism? Have I been there for my kids? Am I listening to them? Giving them enough attention?

The questions are never-ending and never answered. There may not be an answer to any of these damn questions, but I ask them in my head anyway. Over-analyzing everything constantly.

Reassurance is needed although I limit who I seek it from. Life changes and it’s my job to change with it. Bobbin’ and weavin’ whatever life is throwing at me. Becoming stronger for the next stage or at least trying to.

It helps me to stop and think about my life. Evaluate it. Analyze it. Figure out what’s stressing me out and draining me and then make modifications to make life less draining. It typically involves self analyzing where I’m allocating my time. Where can I be most hopeful to fulfill my empath tendencies? That in and of itself is draining as well so where is the break?

The take away is, identify what’s triggering you and make the changes to prevent that from happening.

We all max out at some point. The weekend is to recharge and take the time to take a break from all the shit in life that is stressing you out. I pick one day at least to try and do that. Cleaning is a way that I relieve stress so I clean. Sometimes I write, read, spend a lot of time on my phone. Anything that you want that gets you out of the environment that is making you stressed. If you can’t leave, read a book, you escape to a fantasy land for a bit, sometimes that helps me.

Whatever you do, remember to recharge in some way when you are feeling drained, overwhelmed, or like life is starting to get harder or just shitty.

You have the right to take time to be selfish. Remember that!

-Dear Perception

I Choose to Stay Quiet

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts


Externally, I’m vocally silent.

Internally, I’m screaming with rage.

Externally, my face is neutral.

Internally, the fire is ablaze.

It’s a mystery how I got to this point.

How I figured out when to shut up.

It took many years, many feelings hurt, many fights.

But I learned when enough is enough.

Sometimes speaking wastes my energy.

Sometimes my words get lost in the fury.

So I wait and I ponder .

I tear myself up.

Till I’m ready to say what I really want.

It comes out much smoother when the fire goes out.

I can talk without exploding.

Sometimes the conversation goes well.

Sometimes there’s no smooth sailing.

So the pattern repeats, I choose to stay quiet.

What’s the point in arguing these days.

My silence, oh I know it speaks volumes.

Plus, I’m fucking tired anyway!

-Dear Perception

Remember Who You Are

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, thoughts

I created this blog and site as an outlet for people. A way for people to express themselves, find resources, get away from their normal programming for a little bit. However I also created this blog because of the person I am and what I need. I also need to express myself from time to time and this will be one of those times where none of my thoughts are pre-written, I’m just typing as I go.

Many of you don’t know a thing about me other than what I’ve written thus far. I wanted to give you an opportunity to learn more. I think it’s important that we know the stories behind the people we follow and talk with.

Everyone has a story to tell!

In a summarized version, I’ve experienced a lot of abuse and trauma throughout my life but this will be the first time you hear me refer to it as such.

I’ve never been a victim. I’ve never asked for sympathy or pity. I’ve made life changes to make sure that what I’ve experienced in my life won’t happen again.

In the process, I’ve gotten away from myself as a person slightly.

As we all grow and figure out the person we want to be, I’ve been adapting to different environments and making myself the person that fits the environment. I’ve done this my entire life. I’ve had to adapt to blend if I wants to survive so now it’s literally impossible for me not to do that. It’s a handy trick at times, but not one that I’m fond of all of the time.

In doing so, I question at times if I know who I really am?

Then I hear my mom’s voice in the back of my head,

Remember who you are!

-My mom

It sounds so cliche but it’s solid advice. My mom was one fucked up person. However, she was that fucked up person EVERYWHERE. She was herself and she would never let me not be myself.

I used to be a fighter. Physically. I would fight anyone on sight. If someone’s talking shit, here I go to talk to them about it and call them out. The mantra was I couldn’t come home if I lost. I know I can’t be the only one who’s been told this… so if you have, let me know how your parents worded it!

Anyway, that’s not me anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’ll fight if I absolutely have to but I’m avoiding situations that will put me in those positions. I feel weak at times and my headspace is all weird. I have panic attacks now, like wtf! I hate them so fkn much but I get myself through them the whole time telling myself to get a grip. To stop being a little bitch. Why? That’s my mom in my head.

Being weak was never an option around a woman who seemed so strong!

So today I remember that even though my mom is no longer here, I must remember where I come from. Anxiety, depression, those are merely labels. I can live with them and still be absolutely successful because that’s who I am!

I am a leader.

I am fierce.

I am strong.

I am wise.

I am brave.

I am compassionate.

I am outspoken!

I am me!

#Challenge Accepted

**Note: A friend on Facebook sent me this challenge, so I wanted to honor it and spread the love. The challenge is to empower women and encouraging solidarity. I empower everyone so guys, girls, empower each other!

-Dear Perception

Choose to Stay

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

Thoughts racing, hearts pacing

Heads rushing, I’m not too trusting

This life game is forever changing

I love challenges so I keep playing

Crippling anxiety

As long as my heart is thriving

Beating and alive see

I will live my life gee

Don’t talk about sobriety

Come and sit by me

Enlighten me

Tell me about your life please

So I can escape mine please

Let me give advice

Let me in your mind

I want to see how you think

I want to help you start to achieve

Your true potential, so exponential

The things you can do when you get your mind together

We on borrowed time and we slowly wither

Just be happy and be free

Keep your same energy

No matter what comes your way

I hope you choose to stay!

These are some thoughts of the day!

-Dear Perception

*CW: The Inevitable

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, thoughts, trigger warning

My brain is doing the thing again, playing defense. Not allowing the emotions to creep into my mind because I’ve cried enough. It’s time to step the fuck up now.

My dad is dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. COVID won’t even allow him to have any visitors so he has to go through everything alone. His words today were, “I just don’t want to die in the hospital.”

I’ve lost my sister and my mom to cancer so this isn’t my first trip with this monster. However, this time is different. This time, I can’t support my dad through this. I can only help from a distance.

With that being said, my wall goes up. I’ve accepted fate, I have to deal with it, there’s nothing I can do and I must move on in life.

So I continue to work, parent, and pretend that there is nothing wrong.

This post was started a couple of weeks ago, I never finished because obviously the emotions rise up and I’m currently in the process of shutting them down.

However, I’m trying again, to acknowledge the fact that I’m going to be sad. My dad is not sounding too good via text anyway. He doesn’t want to talk on the phone. The signs are flashing in my face and I’m nervous as hell.

Is that the Grim Reaper appearing for the fifth time? Another victim of cancer to join the other souls who are battling COVID and cancer, and all sorts of other fatal illness. Not to mention for the people who die suddenly, when people aren’t even ready, by the hands of others sometimes.

Either way, death is sad AF for the people who are left behind to grieve.

So here’s a poem to release my current thoughts.

The room is black, but my eyes are open.

The light seems to be distant.

My heart is starting to fill its tank.

Preparing for the battle of what’s consistent.

The inevitable, the end of our time.

The time when we take our last breath.

Close your eyes now, truth be told.

It’s time to finally rest.

This life is hell, this life ruthless.

This life can end so soon.

This life is completely what you make it.

Until for you, there’s no more room.

This is dark.

I’m aware.

Let’s be fair.

Death isn’t bright.

Fuck all diseases, cancer, and COVID.

Fuck all the people who took other’s lives.

I’m terrified, I won’t be shy.

I’m scared as fuck to die.

My kids are young, they need me here.

But I don’t get to choose my time.

In summary, value your loved ones. Value those relationships you hold close with others. Accept what you can and can’t control. Death is coming either way, whether you or anybody else is ready and this is a touchy topic I’m aware. It makes me sad as fuck to talk about this. I would like to talk about it anyway, because it’s hard to process the inevitable sometimes. It helps me process that it’s real when I talk and write about it. Even though I’ve lost plenty of people, this is still a very hard topic for me and the underlying foundation of my anxiety. I’m not ready to die. So I’m at least leaving this behind in the event anything happens, but also videos and pictures. Videos are more important. If you’ve never lost someone close, take more videos. Get their voice, their laughs, everything. That is the closest thing you will have to them and I regret that I didn’t do that for my sister. I miss her the most and don’t have any videos of her really. I’m doing better with creating lasting memories of the loved ones that I have left. Cherish your time people!

-Dear Perception

Feeling lonely?

depression, mental health

I live in a household with four other people. Three little humans that depend on me. I supervise countless students and employees and work with numerous families throughout my daily life. I have a pretty solid support system, if you want to call it that, I have people I can turn to if needed. I have friends who genuinely care about me, at least I think! The point is, there’s plenty of people, so why on somedays do I feel so alone?

It’s usually the days where I have so many thoughts in my head, but I have nobody to call.

I talk so much, I know I can be a lot to some people because quite honestly, I’m a lot to myself sometimes! Some days, I don’t care. Some days, I do. The days I do is when I truly should talk to others the most, but I don’t want to be a burden or a bother.

Some days, I really just want to talk to my sister, because she was always there, but then I have to face reality that I can’t do that. So I keep it all inside.

Feeling alone seriously happens and consider yourself lucky if you’ve never felt this way, it’s not a nice feeling. You can be surrounded by so many different people, yet you feel like you don’t exist. For me, it’s because I get lost in my own mind, really I pretend everyone else doesn’t exist. I think it can work both ways. I get so caught up in my thoughts, the what ifs, the fuck this sucks, the nobody will understand, that I forget to remember what is right in front of me in the present.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing per say. I just think that it’s something that happens sometimes and we have to remember that it shall pass. That feeling of loneliness that appears every now and then, it goes away and you’re reminded of all of the people you have around you. If you can just make it through those lonely times, there is someone out there for everyone, and someone who you can find to talk to. Sometimes, you have to not be scared to make those connections, because those connections can save us. I can be one of those people if you’re feeling like nobody is listening or you’re scared to talk to someone in person, because the world is terrifying. Anonymously, reach out. I will try to just listen because it sucks to feel lonely, but it sucks even more when you can’t fight the urge to give up. Here’s your sign, PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP! Find your happiness, fuck what everyone else thinks, and just be you!

Dear Perception