Ok, so I know I usually post some pretty uplifting stuff, or at least try to find the positive in it. Although this post will not be super positive, I’ll continue to try to look for the lesson that is being taught.
One of the days this week was a hard day. Life has been a little stressful with work picking back up. That’s fine though, I love my job and working keeps my mind occupied for sure. Working two jobs is getting a little more stressful as well, but again, I signed up for it so I’m not about to complain about that whatsoever, I just know it has played a roll in my mental status a bit.
However, anxiety and depression can strike out of nowhere. You can feel like you’re doing alright and then a fucking train of sadness and overwhelmed feelings take over your mind. There’s no need to run from the train, you couldn’t even if you tried. I welcome the wreck with open arms, ready to see how I can fight my emotions.
There was a day where it was a little more challenging to hold it together and not lose my shit. However, we’re almost through the week and I’m still alright. I still can’t shake the anxious feeling, did I fuck up sometime? Can I do better tomorrow? Am I missing something? Am I doing a good job? Do I know what I’m doing? Am I getting too comfortable? Should I check my professionalism? Have I been there for my kids? Am I listening to them? Giving them enough attention?
The questions are never-ending and never answered. There may not be an answer to any of these damn questions, but I ask them in my head anyway. Over-analyzing everything constantly.
Reassurance is needed although I limit who I seek it from. Life changes and it’s my job to change with it. Bobbin’ and weavin’ whatever life is throwing at me. Becoming stronger for the next stage or at least trying to.
It helps me to stop and think about my life. Evaluate it. Analyze it. Figure out what’s stressing me out and draining me and then make modifications to make life less draining. It typically involves self analyzing where I’m allocating my time. Where can I be most hopeful to fulfill my empath tendencies? That in and of itself is draining as well so where is the break?
The take away is, identify what’s triggering you and make the changes to prevent that from happening.
We all max out at some point. The weekend is to recharge and take the time to take a break from all the shit in life that is stressing you out. I pick one day at least to try and do that. Cleaning is a way that I relieve stress so I clean. Sometimes I write, read, spend a lot of time on my phone. Anything that you want that gets you out of the environment that is making you stressed. If you can’t leave, read a book, you escape to a fantasy land for a bit, sometimes that helps me.
Whatever you do, remember to recharge in some way when you are feeling drained, overwhelmed, or like life is starting to get harder or just shitty.
You have the right to take time to be selfish. Remember that!
A few months back, my brother said these words in response to me tearing up very briefly, I would say seconds, before acting like those tears never existed.
I’ve never in my life thought about it this way.
I hate feeling weak.
Even a little bit.
In any way, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I despise feeling weak and unable.
Now, I realize this is unhealthy, so please spare the comments. I’m very aware of myself and all of the unhealthiness that is wrapped up inside of me.
However, the phrase, “Temporary Weakness”, has stuck with me since I heard him say the words.
Today, perfect example, I cried over some shit that’s going on, like a normal person.
Today, I also cried in front of people I haven’t cried in front of in years.
Over shit that I would never want to discuss with them because it’s my business.
I cried because it is something that I hate talking about.
Something I know is an issue but I’ve been working on it.
Issues that are complex and they take a lot of work to perfect.
Perfection doesn’t exist so I can say we’re working on happiness as a family and that’s a lot of work.
Anyway, I feel fine now.
I sent some text messages thanking the people who saw me weak and vulnerable. I think it’s important that we show appreciation to the people that are there for us!
I told them it was temporary weakness and I’m fine now.
The truth is, I am fine and it was just temporary.
It’s sooo fucking important to know that temporary sadness, weakness, vulnerability, all that’s fine. It sucks and I fucking hate it when it happens, but it needs to happen sometimes.
We can’t be strong 24/7. Trust me, I’ve tried!
There’s not one person on this earth that can say they’ve never cried (unless some medical or mental issue that causes that). I’ve been looking for natural human instinct and showing emotion is one of them. Why? They don’t know yet, peep the article, The Science of Crying.
So cry it out, be temporarily weak, then wipe your tears and figure out how to feel better and fix whatever it is that made you feel that way.
I may hate having these emotions and feelings but I’m slowly learning to accept them and to stop trying to be strong all of the time.
We all have a breaking point. Try to identify yours before you hit it, because if something is triggered, there’s no controlling yourself sometimes
You have to recognize body language and responses.
The reality is that the more you pay attention when you’re taking to people, the more aware you become that some people don’t give a damn about your situations, your success, your life, or a single word you have to say.
Maybe sometimes they are too busy in the moment, to which my response is, just say that! Other times people really just don’t want to listen. Again, my response is to just say that!
Many people don’t though, they will listen and you will talk while feeling like you’re a burden sometimes.
You have to be okay with that. Don’t try to change anybody’s mind. If they don’t want to listen to you or have time for you, make a mental note and keep going. Do not try to force people to listen.
As you become more aware of these different situations, you’ll also begin to recognize who does care.
Turn to those people instead.
Don’t explain to the cashier at Walmart that your life is a wreck, or the nurse or your child’s teacher. They probably don’t care. Will they be cordial, yeah, but will they add anything valuable to your conversation? Probably not.
Stop venting to the wrong people.
I talk a lot. To certain people.
To some, I’ll minimize what I’m adding to the conversation because they don’t care what I have to say.
It’s hard to figure out when to listen and when to speak.
All I know is that I pay attention and I stop talking when I’m wasting my time and someone else’s. It would be a hell of a lot easier if people would say, “I don’t care!” However that is frowned upon and rude in our society:
Good thing I don’t care about what society thinks.
I tell people when I don’t care. I tell my kids that I don’t care sometimes. I’m not being rude, I’m being honest.
I don’t care about drama that doesn’t pertain to anyone in my circle.
I don’t care about the newest trend.
I listen, but I’ll say, I don’t care instead of responding with some fake response.
I have no time to spare anyone’s feelings. I genuinely care about things like helping families, keeping my family together, books I read, some issues that my close circle has, but I listen to my close circle because they have been identified as the ones who care.
See where I’m getting?
I put the same energy out as I receive.
I suggest you start to do the same to people. It’s all fine until you’re having a mental breakdown because people are getting to you or you’re overwhelmed.
Instead of trying to “tough it out” and “push through it” why not stop before it starts?
Note: this is not my text message and this was not fully the case in my story but a similar pattern.
One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my life was to let go.
I stopped asking those questions, why me?
I couldn’t play victim when the truth was true.
I did allow it to happen.
I stayed when I should’ve left.
I complained and didn’t do anything about it.
I felt as if I wasn’t in control of my life and my decisions.
I felt trapped, unable to change anything, using the excuses in my head as reassurance.
I listened to words I should’ve disregarded.
You have nowhere to go.
How can I afford to be on my own right now?
I can’t stay at my sister’s with my kids.
So I stayed, happiness draining, but plans were being drawn.
Finally, one day, I found my strength to change my life.
I stopped making excuses and I stopped being scared.
Scared of the change, scared of the leap I was about to take. Scared of living life with two kids completely on my own.
How the fuck was I going to do this?
Step 1: Money
I needed money to sustain my family. I was 24 years old. I was enrolled in a masters program racking up student loan debt. I didn’t have parents who were going to help me in any way. I had my sister and my brother, but my brother lived far. I knew I still had support from my ex’s family and to this day I still consider them my family! They have always been there for me, regardless of my choices!
However, I wanted to do this on my own. I felt like asking people would be a sign of weakness. I was tired of feeling weak. My sister helped me find places to live. I found the cheapest place I could find in the area. I needed to stay close as my kids were in school and daycare and I didn’t want to change all of that.
2014, I found a job in a field I absolutely love. I based my future schooling on this field. I knew the job I had would be one I would want to keep forever. So I found steady income and sustained it for at least seven months before I moved on my own.
I used my income tax to put a deposit down and move into my first 600 square foot apartment with one bedroom and one bath. I found a place that was affordable based on my income plus bills. I didn’t try to be lavish. I had to be realistic. My kids shared the bedroom, I made sure to buy a pull out couch so I could have a bed at night.
During this time, I took advantage of government programs such as WIC and food stamps. I have no shame in saying I did have that help as well. It was very much needed. I also got on the waitlist before I moved for childcare assistance as I knew I would need that. After completing all of the steps, the kids were approved for childcare and that was affordable as well.
We survived but I knew I needed to do better. Regardless, we were happy together.
Step 2. Growth
After a couple of years or so in our tiny apartment, I searched again for a bigger, more affordable place. The rent for the one bedroom was sky rocketing and I figured I could find something better. I started making decent money after a few raises and was almost done with my masters degree so I planned to get a promotion at work, playing my cards carefully. I worked in the field and company I knew had opportunities for growth and I did what I had to earn that.
I found income based townhomes, 3 bedroom 2 bath and it was amazing. We had so much room! It was perfect and affordable. I had to make some sacrifices sleep wise as I needed to drive my kids a little farther but, we did that for over three years and it was fine.
I met my current boyfriend and we had a child together. I made new goals because now our townhome was not so big. It was still affordable and we were content, but my goals included moving into a house.
Work wise, I got my promotion and continued to work my way up. Trying to learn and succeed. I didn’t want to fail as I felt that would be letting my kids down as well as myself.
Along the way, all government assistance was ceased, so now life was getting even more real and more expensive. My kids were growing, there was a new addition, food stamps would’ve been appreciated most but I understood that I made money to cover it and other people needed that money more. So I budgeted.
Step 3: Achievement
Although it was a rushed process, a house was secured this year in 2020. My boyfriend has made sacrifices for me so we could have this house and it’s bigger but comfortable still, not too big, but enough to fit us all. Each kid has a room, we have a dog now, wtf… I didn’t want the dog but he’s my best friend now.
Life is looking positive.
Why? I let go. I let go of something that was holding me back and pulling me down.
I made new promises to myself to succeed and be in control of my own life no matter the circumstances.
I am not a victim. I will not play that role.
I am a fucking survivor and I will do what it takes to survive for my children!
So if you need to let go of something that’s not letting you fly, start thinking and making moves.
Life ain’t fucking easy and you have to put in work. You have to make smart moves. You have to figure out what the fuck you even want and then you have to go get it! Set goals and smash them all!
We’re all just trying to survive in this world, I wish you all nothing but success and happiness!!
I created this blog and site as an outlet for people. A way for people to express themselves, find resources, get away from their normal programming for a little bit. However I also created this blog because of the person I am and what I need. I also need to express myself from time to time and this will be one of those times where none of my thoughts are pre-written, I’m just typing as I go.
Many of you don’t know a thing about me other than what I’ve written thus far. I wanted to give you an opportunity to learn more. I think it’s important that we know the stories behind the people we follow and talk with.
In a summarized version, I’ve experienced a lot of abuse and trauma throughout my life but this will be the first time you hear me refer to it as such.
I’ve never been a victim. I’ve never asked for sympathy or pity. I’ve made life changes to make sure that what I’ve experienced in my life won’t happen again.
In the process, I’ve gotten away from myself as a person slightly.
As we all grow and figure out the person we want to be, I’ve been adapting to different environments and making myself the person that fits the environment. I’ve done this my entire life. I’ve had to adapt to blend if I wants to survive so now it’s literally impossible for me not to do that. It’s a handy trick at times, but not one that I’m fond of all of the time.
In doing so, I question at times if I know who I really am?
Then I hear my mom’s voice in the back of my head,
Remember who you are!
It sounds so cliche but it’s solid advice. My mom was one fucked up person. However, she was that fucked up person EVERYWHERE. She was herself and she would never let me not be myself.
I used to be a fighter. Physically. I would fight anyone on sight. If someone’s talking shit, here I go to talk to them about it and call them out. The mantra was I couldn’t come home if I lost. I know I can’t be the only one who’s been told this… so if you have, let me know how your parents worded it!
Anyway, that’s not me anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’ll fight if I absolutely have to but I’m avoiding situations that will put me in those positions. I feel weak at times and my headspace is all weird. I have panic attacks now, like wtf! I hate them so fkn much but I get myself through them the whole time telling myself to get a grip. To stop being a little bitch. Why? That’s my mom in my head.
Being weak was never an option around a woman who seemed so strong!
So today I remember that even though my mom is no longer here, I must remember where I come from. Anxiety, depression, those are merely labels. I can live with them and still be absolutely successful because that’s who I am!
I am a leader.
I am fierce.
I am strong.
I am wise.
I am brave.
I am compassionate.
I am outspoken!
I am me!
**Note: A friend on Facebook sent me this challenge, so I wanted to honor it and spread the love. The challenge is to empower women and encouraging solidarity. I empower everyone so guys, girls, empower each other!
Let’s be real. You compare yourself to others. Even if it’s over something small, you’ve done this in your life. Who hasn’t?
The real question is why do we do that?
Why do we look at what everyone else has?
Why are we in a competition with people around us? Some people we don’t even know like celebrities. Comparing our bodies to theirs or our vacations and lifestyles thinking that the way they live are goals. That’s false!
Why do I have to prove myself more than my colleague for a position?
Why do people want to have such big houses and fancy things?
I don’t have any either.
It’s just mind-blowing how much we all try to be in competition with each other. Society has also governed us to be this way, by making everything in our life a competition. Take credit for example. We ask others, “What’s your credit score?” to compare ours to theirs. Houses, “How many square feet?”… now why the hell does that matter to anybody? I don’t know, but it’s a question that’s been asked and the only thing I can think of is the comparison that is happening.
Maybe that’s the answer? Maybe the answer is because American Society thrives on competition. Sports is a huge example. People have been BEATEN in parking lots over their team winning or losing. Wtf people? Is it really that serious? These sports players don’t even know you exist and you’re beating people on the foundation of loyalty? That’s odd.
Maybe that’s not the answer. Maybe humans are just naturally competitive. Maybe it’s a natural instinct? One that we are born with. Natural predators that feed off of adrenaline and competing with others can definitely feel like a rush sometimes. It’s the motivation to do better.
Regardless of why it happens, start to understand that it happens. Start to notice when it happens. Start to change your way of thinking when it happens.
It comes back to appreciating yourself. Do things for yourself and your family, the ones you love. This life isn’t a competition because in the end we all fucking lose. So do what makes you happy and compete with no one.
I set my own standards and they are not based on any other person around me but my children. That’s facts.
Okay one, what the fuck does that even mean? Two, can anyone actually even do this? If so, three, point me in the right direction!
I struggle with finding balance.
Some days I have more energy for work, some days I have more energy for my kids. Some days, I don’t have energy for either.
I struggle with being still.
Some days there are a million things to do around the house and I can’t sit still until they are done, other times I’m trapped in my own mind, sitting still, but my head is rushing.
I don’t know if “balance” is even a realistic thing to call what we try to do in life.
We all wear multiple hats.
I am a mom first and foremost.
I am a behavior analyst.
I am a sister.
I am a daughter.
I am a supervisor.
I am a woman.
I am a maid.
I am a scheduler.
I am a chef.
I am many things.
How are we expected to balance all of this?
It makes me feel better when I tell myself that this expectation of finding balance and being still is unrealistic.
I don’t think we’re expected to find a true balance where we actually feel okay. I think there are waves of calmness that happens periodically to make us feel like we have everything under control. I also believe there are waves of chaos and unexpected events that make life feel harder at times. That’s just how it goes.
I don’t plan to meet expectations of trying to make my life feel balanced. I don’t plan on being still anymore. I plan on embracing the waves that are easier than others. I plan to know when to take a break and I plan to do what makes me completely and one hundred percent happy.
I encourage everyone to stop searching and seeking for ways to “feel better”. Just embrace life and do what makes you happy (as long as it’s legal of course!)