I Choose to Stay Quiet

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

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Externally, I’m vocally silent.

Internally, I’m screaming with rage.

Externally, my face is neutral.

Internally, the fire is ablaze.

It’s a mystery how I got to this point.

How I figured out when to shut up.

It took many years, many feelings hurt, many fights.

But I learned when enough is enough.

Sometimes speaking wastes my energy.

Sometimes my words get lost in the fury.

So I wait and I ponder .

I tear myself up.

Till I’m ready to say what I really want.

It comes out much smoother when the fire goes out.

I can talk without exploding.

Sometimes the conversation goes well.

Sometimes there’s no smooth sailing.

So the pattern repeats, I choose to stay quiet.

What’s the point in arguing these days.

My silence, oh I know it speaks volumes.

Plus, I’m fucking tired anyway!

-Dear Perception

*CW: Blast From the Past

anxiety, mental health, thoughts, trigger warning

As I set my status to away before I left for the weekend. There were so many thoughts going through my head. We headed out regardless and I found myself excited for the weekend. I reassured myself countless times that everything was going to be okay.

It was as in nobody died while I was gone or while I was there.

My brother and I always took a trip with my mom and stepdad when we were kids. It was one of the few spots my mom would take us to. We did a lot of outdoor things because it was affordable and I am grateful for what we used to do on a budget.

When we were kids, my brother and I would run the entire river and hike the mountains (actual mountain in picture below, across from where we are standing).

We would steal paddle boats, jump off of the cliffs into the water.

We would play pick up games on the basketball courts, almost getting shot once when a game went wrong.

When it was time to sleep, we slept.

We slept in a kid’s tent through a thunderstorm that had winds so hard they knocked down a log branch and it damaged the van that my mom and stepdad were sleeping in.

I got stuck on the mountain one time and had to wait up there alone as my brother had to go first find my mom who was fishing somewhere and then get her to go up and help me down. She only had to tell me once for me to be able to have enough strength and courage to climb that mountain. I didn’t want to disturb her peace again. The next time we went, we made it to the top and I watched nervously as my brother dangled his feet over the edge of the cliff.

I was around ten years old when I drove my stepdad’s S10 around the park because he was completely wasted and went to find us after we weren’t at the campsite when they got back from fishing. I refused to let him drive and he fought me a little but eventually gave me the keys. Luckily, this wasn’t my first time driving. As we drove I listened to him slur his way through some rant about him and my mom arguing. That was enough information for me to dismiss myself immediately once we got back as I did not want to witness another argument. I tried to go to sleep fast.

The memories we have at that park are plenty good and plenty bad. I know we never got a shelter or a cabin and I would always stare at them as we passed them by. We always got a campsite next to the fishing spot and the mountain. We ate whatever there was, typically sandwiches, hotdogs, hamburgers, we snacked a ton, and we stayed out of my mom’s hair. That last one was rule number one.

That was the place my mom wanted us to throw her ashes. I have visited this park a couple times on a day trip, never overnight as an adult.

Until last year when we honored my mom’s wish.

We’ve made plenty of new memories. My brother with his family and me with mine. Our kids are loving it but I look at that mountain we used to hike and my heart rate increases. There is no way in hell you will catch my kids running fucking wild in that park. My brother and I spent time laughing at shit we used to do, trying to figure out how the fuck we actually survived.

Regardless of the reason we were there, we are now showing our kids completely different things than what we did and saw.

We stay with them for one. We rented a campsite last year and a screen shelter this year. Next year, we’re moving into cabins, which I never knew existed until I was older just FYI. I thought those were for super rich people, but I am grateful to be able to afford a campsite at the very least. It really isn’t that bad of a price because I am cheap myself.

We rent the paddle boats now instead of stealing them, that’s growth.

My kids are watched constantly and we are showing them how to survive as well. I want them to have the fun I did as a kid but my anxiety as an adult is interfering. This year was better and easier as we learned from our mistakes last year. Which means that next year should be even smoother and factoring in that all of the kids will be another year older!

My mom was busy with her own vices when I was little. She didn’t supervise anything but her fishing rod, beer, and cigarettes. However, my brother and I made some memories that some kids may never get.

When we were younger, we ran with the wolves. Free spirits, fitting in and adapting as needed.

Now that I am more aware of my surroundings, I am shocked by how much I didn’t know as a child. How naive I truly was because I was busy in my own world, chasing the next adrenaline rush and trying to fit in and impress my big brother.

Catch me taking pictures and sitting down now as I let my children jump off of the ropes, of course with my brother and my boyfriend close by just in case.

-Dear Perception

I’m Not a Shitty Mom!

anxiety, Parenting, thoughts

The guilt is starting to sink in. It’s been quarantine time. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to work from home and identify a new schedule that works for my family and myself. I’ve been trying to balance this weird life we have right now the best I can. It’s been good, I’ve actually felt mentally okay. For the most part. However today, nope. It’s like the little angry guy from the movie Inside Out kicked the rest of the emotions out and completely took over.

I’ve started going back to the office physically, and the break away from my kids I thought would help. In reality, it’s better if I’m home. At least then, they aren’t all thirsty and craving my attention.

Can we talk about that for a minute?

Why do they need so much attention? I don’t remember being like this as a child! I stayed away from the adults so they couldn’t tell me what to do, I never wanted to be in their conversations. I had a ton of things to say, but never for attention, just to say it. All three of my little attention sucking minions need it though! I realize I will miss it when they are older and gone and it’s not quiet. When I’m bored and wish someone would need me to do something. However, there are definitely times, like today, where I could use that peace NOW!

Let me paint the picture.

Three girls. (That’s probably enough information) but three girls, all have different stories, at the same damn time, and then fighting because nobody is getting to talk. While I’m waiting in a motherfuking churches chicken drive thru, for 30 minutes because their damn drive thru speaker is broken. What is that? How is this even a drive thru, when I can’t even drive thru it because my ass is parked, waiting, to even order, because the damn speaker is broken! Therefore everyone is ordering AT THE WINDOW! Yes, I already pulled a “Karen” and I said they needed a damn super Karen to talk to upper management because how are they not fixing the damn speaker! I haven’t eaten all day, I’ve been gone all day and all I want to do is go home. But please little children, proceed to drain the rest of my energy and talk away, all of you….

In the moment, I went from impatient to furious to thinking the moment was hilarious because why am I even mad right now? Even though I was questioning myself, I was still mad. My kids knew I was angry too so in the back they are just throwing little fuel drops to my fire like, “Mom, how long have we been here?” “You’re really going to tell them about the speaker? Why is the speaker broken?” “This is dumb, this is taking forever!” Meanwhile I’m just getting amped up, ready to talk to this person at the window. Long story short, it was kid, he didn’t know why the speaker was broken, I got my food and complained online like a basic bitch! 🤷‍♀️

The point is, I was angry earlier and I felt like a shitty mom because all I really wanted was a break and the 30 minute car ride to get them wasn’t a break for me. Then it was non-stop when I picked them up and I really, really hate waiting so the drive thru situation was a trigger. In reality, I had to wait at Whataburger first because my oldest wanted that and yeah I should’ve said no but I didn’t so what got to me at the end of it all was I did it to myself!!!

Recognize when you’re mad at your own decisions. It’s comical sometimes like wow, I put myself in this shit. So by the end of the night, we played games and calmed down and I got a sticker for “putting us to bed” my four year old said.

So guess what, I’m not a shitty mom and yeah I felt guilty earlier but now, my kids show me unconditional love like I show them, so I’m alright!

Parents, get through the guilty times and reflect on how to make it better next time. Next time, my ass is going straight home! The End!

-Dear Perception