*CW: Nature vs. Nurture

advice, mental health, Parenting, thoughts, trigger warning

This argument, in all the years I’ve had to pick a side for an argumentative essay, I’ve never chosen a side.

Okay, before we start on today’s rant, let’s keep in mind this isn’t the typical debate. We’ve all had to learn about nature vs. nurture, and if you haven’t basically it’s about a person and the way they turn out as an adult, is it a product of nature (natural events such as genetics) or nurture (the way they were raised). There’s also something now called epigenetics which says that nurture can affect the genes. 🤯 Read More Here.

There’s definitely not a definitive answer to this question though.

The answer is both or all of it. 🤷‍♀️

People can develop their own ideas and constructs from anything. Look around at the world. All of the controversy is typically because of differing opinions, or misinterpretation, or a different perspective. Therefore, nature vs. nurture wise, you can become who you are based on both, depending on how you choose to interpret it.

Let me lay it out.

I’m a product of both.

My parents were drug addicts, in and out of jail, rehabs, multiple different people in their lives, domestic violence, check!

My mom suffered from schizo affect disorder and bipolar disorder. Risk factor for me, pretty high.

I moved over 15 times in the span of 13 years…. no military affiliation. I saw cocaine and needles at the age of 3. I saw physical fighting, hammers being thrown, hair being pulled, my mom smacking my dad upside the head with a frying pan, stepdad choking my mom out while she beat him upside the head with a cordless phone charger. I’ve seen some things, but I recognize it’s not as bad as some people still.

I’ve seen my mom purchase a gun with a silencer because she was tired of the neighbors partying. And I’m not saying she killed anybody, I’m just saying I never heard those neighbors party again, because they moved shortly after.

I’ve seen the cop car lights in the middle of the night, I’ve been unsure or where I was going to live. I’ve woken up with no electricity, literally gotten dressed in the dark. I’ve gone without eating and I’ve gone without basic things you would think all children have growing up, trust me. Again, I want to recognize that some children still have it worse. Let’s not forget #saveourchildren.

It’s easy to fall into the statistics with this background. Not to say I didn’t, because I most definitely did in some aspects.

I started partying at age 12. Drinking, smoking, acting wild. I did that. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6. Wtf was I even doing? I stole from stores and hid drugs for people at the age of 7. I skipped school, I hung out with the gangbangers, I started a “gang”, high school shit, I’ve carved into my skin, the whole cutting phase was a thing, and I never backed down from anything or anyone, ready to fight at all times.

My dad kicked me out at age 16. I got pregnant at the age of 17. So yeah, to say I didn’t alter my life negatively in some ways, I won’t lie about. My first born was my savior though. She really doesn’t even understand.

I went through a rebellious kid phase that lasted from age 6-17/18 I guess. It was a crazy journey but I adapted to my surroundings as best as I could. That’s not me anymore, to an extent.

I graduated high school with a 3.95 GPA. I never failed a class. Only got suspended once, surprisingly. I graduated earlier than the rest of my class. I started college immediately after and went on to earn my Masters degree at the age of 26. Today I’m a behavior analyst managing a fucking clinic! I have a house, three kids now, and I’m hustling everyday to never go back to where I came from.

On the flip side, I’ll never forget where I came from. Would I say I made it? Absolutely but I still have more goals to accomplish.

One thing is for sure, my kids will never have to struggle but they will know about the struggle.

So nurture wise, it played its part, but nature wise, instinctively I was stronger. I mean, I have my weaknesses mentally, I’m not okay all of the time. Nurture wise, that did mess me up a little, but nature wise, I’m still stronger. I will still fight to ensure a better life for myself and my children.

So to the great debate, I say don’t let that determine who you become. Let it all play a part, but in the end make your own decisions! You do have control over your choices now, if you let some of that baggage that’s holding you down go. Don’t let the past define everything about you. It will affect you, it will be hard to overcome triggers, it will be difficult. That’s not sugar coated. It’s up to you to fight and not give up, even when it feels like life is crushing you, you can turn it around. Think outside of the box. Think survival. Because if there’s anything that is natural human instincts, survival is one of them!

You got this!

-Dear Perception

🌩 Before the Storm ⛈

anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

My head is filling up again

With tasks and priorities

Will it pop, how will this end?

I don’t think I’m ready.

I’m not ready to be angry.

I’m not ready to feel weak.

I’m not ready for virtual learning.

I’m not ready for a damn thing.

I want to stay in the moment.

The moment before shit hits the fan.

The moment before I lose my cool.

The moment before I fuck up again.

Can I depress before I explode?

That’s an answer that I don’t know!

It’s day by day, night by night.

How long will my brain try to fight?

Stay tuned till the next time.

Fingers crossed this all ends right!

-Dear Perception

Drained? Draining? 🤷‍♀️

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

Ok, so I know I usually post some pretty uplifting stuff, or at least try to find the positive in it. Although this post will not be super positive, I’ll continue to try to look for the lesson that is being taught.

One of the days this week was a hard day. Life has been a little stressful with work picking back up. That’s fine though, I love my job and working keeps my mind occupied for sure. Working two jobs is getting a little more stressful as well, but again, I signed up for it so I’m not about to complain about that whatsoever, I just know it has played a roll in my mental status a bit.

However, anxiety and depression can strike out of nowhere. You can feel like you’re doing alright and then a fucking train of sadness and overwhelmed feelings take over your mind. There’s no need to run from the train, you couldn’t even if you tried. I welcome the wreck with open arms, ready to see how I can fight my emotions.

There was a day where it was a little more challenging to hold it together and not lose my shit. However, we’re almost through the week and I’m still alright. I still can’t shake the anxious feeling, did I fuck up sometime? Can I do better tomorrow? Am I missing something? Am I doing a good job? Do I know what I’m doing? Am I getting too comfortable? Should I check my professionalism? Have I been there for my kids? Am I listening to them? Giving them enough attention?

The questions are never-ending and never answered. There may not be an answer to any of these damn questions, but I ask them in my head anyway. Over-analyzing everything constantly.

Reassurance is needed although I limit who I seek it from. Life changes and it’s my job to change with it. Bobbin’ and weavin’ whatever life is throwing at me. Becoming stronger for the next stage or at least trying to.

It helps me to stop and think about my life. Evaluate it. Analyze it. Figure out what’s stressing me out and draining me and then make modifications to make life less draining. It typically involves self analyzing where I’m allocating my time. Where can I be most hopeful to fulfill my empath tendencies? That in and of itself is draining as well so where is the break?

The take away is, identify what’s triggering you and make the changes to prevent that from happening.

We all max out at some point. The weekend is to recharge and take the time to take a break from all the shit in life that is stressing you out. I pick one day at least to try and do that. Cleaning is a way that I relieve stress so I clean. Sometimes I write, read, spend a lot of time on my phone. Anything that you want that gets you out of the environment that is making you stressed. If you can’t leave, read a book, you escape to a fantasy land for a bit, sometimes that helps me.

Whatever you do, remember to recharge in some way when you are feeling drained, overwhelmed, or like life is starting to get harder or just shitty.

You have the right to take time to be selfish. Remember that!

-Dear Perception

Temporary Weakness

mental health, Parenting, thoughts

A few months back, my brother said these words in response to me tearing up very briefly, I would say seconds, before acting like those tears never existed.

I’ve never in my life thought about it this way.

I hate feeling weak.

Even a little bit.

In any way, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I despise feeling weak and unable.

Now, I realize this is unhealthy, so please spare the comments. I’m very aware of myself and all of the unhealthiness that is wrapped up inside of me.

However, the phrase, “Temporary Weakness”, has stuck with me since I heard him say the words.

Today, perfect example, I cried over some shit that’s going on, like a normal person.

Today, I also cried in front of people I haven’t cried in front of in years.

Over shit that I would never want to discuss with them because it’s my business.

I cried because it is something that I hate talking about.

Something I know is an issue but I’ve been working on it.

Issues that are complex and they take a lot of work to perfect.

Perfection doesn’t exist so I can say we’re working on happiness as a family and that’s a lot of work.

Anyway, I feel fine now.

I sent some text messages thanking the people who saw me weak and vulnerable. I think it’s important that we show appreciation to the people that are there for us!

I told them it was temporary weakness and I’m fine now.

The truth is, I am fine and it was just temporary.

It’s sooo fucking important to know that temporary sadness, weakness, vulnerability, all that’s fine. It sucks and I fucking hate it when it happens, but it needs to happen sometimes.

We can’t be strong 24/7. Trust me, I’ve tried!

There’s not one person on this earth that can say they’ve never cried (unless some medical or mental issue that causes that). I’ve been looking for natural human instinct and showing emotion is one of them. Why? They don’t know yet, peep the article, The Science of Crying.

So cry it out, be temporarily weak, then wipe your tears and figure out how to feel better and fix whatever it is that made you feel that way.

I may hate having these emotions and feelings but I’m slowly learning to accept them and to stop trying to be strong all of the time.

We all have a breaking point. Try to identify yours before you hit it, because if something is triggered, there’s no controlling yourself sometimes

Let your emotions flow for the moment!

Tomorrow is not promised.

-Dear Perception

I Choose to Stay Quiet

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Externally, I’m vocally silent.

Internally, I’m screaming with rage.

Externally, my face is neutral.

Internally, the fire is ablaze.

It’s a mystery how I got to this point.

How I figured out when to shut up.

It took many years, many feelings hurt, many fights.

But I learned when enough is enough.

Sometimes speaking wastes my energy.

Sometimes my words get lost in the fury.

So I wait and I ponder .

I tear myself up.

Till I’m ready to say what I really want.

It comes out much smoother when the fire goes out.

I can talk without exploding.

Sometimes the conversation goes well.

Sometimes there’s no smooth sailing.

So the pattern repeats, I choose to stay quiet.

What’s the point in arguing these days.

My silence, oh I know it speaks volumes.

Plus, I’m fucking tired anyway!

-Dear Perception

You Can’t Save the World

anxiety, mental health, thoughts

I mean, why the fuck not though?

Oh, I know. You’ll give yourself never ending work and forget to mentally rest.

Drive yourself crazy trying to fix everything and everyone around you.

You’ll put yourself last because everyone else’s life is more important sometimes.

Always being there for everyone.

Seeming like the yes girl.

But I want to save the world.

I want to spread smiles.

I want to spread joy.

I want to spread positivity.

I have a lot of desire. I’m aware.

Someone once told me that I couldn’t save the world.

No, I won’t save the world.

I will help a family at work or save someone’s life by reaching out when nobody else will!

I can be there for a friend even though I really don’t want to be sometimes.

I can listen more than respond.

I can support and be honest.

There are a ton of things that I can do that won’t be saving the world at all.

But to me, at least it’s a contribution to the mission.

-Dear Perception

*CW: Fucked Upness

anxiety, black lives matter, Poetry, racism, Social Injustice, thoughts, trigger warning
Vectorstock.com

I used to think life was hard.

Until I became more aware.

I started looking around me

And I started to care.

Everyone I see

Is living with anxiety

Because that’s the way society

Would really like for us to be.

Fearful and scared.

Quivering in the corner.

Slap on your mask.

That’s governor’s orders.

Scroll through your newsfeed

In reality it’s all the same

Scroll by mindlessly.

Pandemic talk, did you hear? There’s a new plague

But wait….

What about Epstein?

Have you seen the latest news?

Sex trafficking is real.

The suspects look like me and you.

They may have money, what the fuck?

It may be the one you never thought would be the one.

Fucked upness doesn’t stop there.

Racism is alive and living ain’t fair.

The economy is crashing.

But let’s focus on the kids.

School is almost back in session.

Virtual or classroom, take a pick.

Another wave of stimulus checks.

Yay, that’ll pay another month’s rent.

But then… what’s next?

Landlords starting to evict.

Streets are crowding, filling up quick.

Where do people go now when they get sick?

Hospitals are full, fingers crossed you make it.

This is it?

This is life?

Black lives matter.

Wash your hands. 20 seconds no less.

Wear your mask.

Back the blue .

Help the needy. Do what you can do.

Save the kids.

Fuck Cancer.

Vaccines, abortions.

This is not another trend.

This is it?

This is life?

Do your best.

Survive.

*Note: I hope everyone is doing okay and I really hope this poem doesn’t affect you. It’s real life and if you’re going through any of this I wish there was a way to help. If anyone needs help I can share and publicize fundraisers and what not. I’m hoping for better days soon! Stay strong. We’re in the together! 💪

Balance and Be Still

advice, anxiety, mental health, thoughts

Okay one, what the fuck does that even mean? Two, can anyone actually even do this? If so, three, point me in the right direction!

I struggle with finding balance.

Some days I have more energy for work, some days I have more energy for my kids. Some days, I don’t have energy for either.

I struggle with being still.

Some days there are a million things to do around the house and I can’t sit still until they are done, other times I’m trapped in my own mind, sitting still, but my head is rushing.

I don’t know if “balance” is even a realistic thing to call what we try to do in life.

We all wear multiple hats.

I am a mom first and foremost.

I am a behavior analyst.

I am a sister.

I am a daughter.

I am a supervisor.

I am a woman.

I am a maid.

I am a scheduler.

I am a chef.

I am many things.

How are we expected to balance all of this?

It makes me feel better when I tell myself that this expectation of finding balance and being still is unrealistic.

I don’t think we’re expected to find a true balance where we actually feel okay. I think there are waves of calmness that happens periodically to make us feel like we have everything under control. I also believe there are waves of chaos and unexpected events that make life feel harder at times. That’s just how it goes.

I don’t plan to meet expectations of trying to make my life feel balanced. I don’t plan on being still anymore. I plan on embracing the waves that are easier than others. I plan to know when to take a break and I plan to do what makes me completely and one hundred percent happy.

I encourage everyone to stop searching and seeking for ways to “feel better”. Just embrace life and do what makes you happy (as long as it’s legal of course!)

2020: I even look unbalanced in this picture! 🙂

-Dear Perception

Status:Away

anxiety, mental health, thoughts

How can I escape reality when there’s so many things I’m leaving behind?

People are not doing good around me and I’m feeling I need to stay.

We had this camping trip planned for weeks, I haven’t gone anywhere in months, before corona.

I looked for the signs that told me not to leave and I told my brother if he felt okay about going.

He was fine and all the bad signs I had started to turn around.

Today’s the day. Anxiety will not win.

I’m out for weekend. Escaping reality (not really, Fkn anxiety is still coming for the ride), and hoping that I don’t come back to total disaster.

-Dear Perception