Positive Vibes Your Way 😌😌

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, thoughts

I’ve taken a break from writing, although I’m trying to make a comeback.

Can we talk about how fucking crazy life has been for a second?

I’m not sure what everyone else is up to, but I’m busy AF!

Work, kids, home life, and to be quite honest, reading has been consuming my writing time.

I’m super deep in a book and once I finish it, I’ll review it for you all.

As for now, here’s a check in.

Mentally, I feel the stress and the chaos, anxiety and depression trying to win, however it won’t.

At least not yet anyway.

There’s a ton of positive and negative things in my life but I think we all have positive and negative situations and it really just depends on how you view the situation and if you are going to dwell on the negative situations, find solutions for them, or completely ignore them.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope it’s the choice that makes you happy and feeling more positive.

Take out the sage.

Light some candles.

Go to church and pray.

Read that book you keep putting off.

Whatever it is that makes you feel peaceful, do it.

Be happy but realistically happy. Don’t be the sprinkles that overdo the fucking cake happy.

Just be the amount of sprinkles that makes you and others around you happy to be in your company!

Happy writing and happy reading or happy doing whatever the hell makes you happy!

-Dear Perception

Depression is Fierce

depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

I’m starting to think that I wasn’t as content as I thought I was originally.

My mind is clearing up and I can see everything vividly.

I once thought I knew the key to happiness, just stop caring.

Depression almost had me, that was kind of scary.

Not to say it won’t show up again.

I may follow it to play.

Not intentionally of course.

But depression runs a pretty smooth game.

I was sinking, my head was full, my heart was heavy.

Things I used to do didn’t catch my interest, I thought it was part of my journey, wings spreading.

I was mistaken once again, I’m so glad I’m snapping back.

I lost my sister three years ago, my grandma two years ago, and my mom after that.

I’m no longer sad. Well maybe a little.

I miss my sister a lot, it’s inevitable.

She was my rock, my constant, right there with my brother.

Now it’s just two of us, getting stronger together.

You didn’t want me to be sad, mad, or be dragging my feet everyday.

If you were here today I don’t want to imagine what you would say.

I’ll find myself again, I promise real soon.

It’s been three years sis, this is long overdue!

-Dear Perception

Drained? Draining? 🤷‍♀️

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

Ok, so I know I usually post some pretty uplifting stuff, or at least try to find the positive in it. Although this post will not be super positive, I’ll continue to try to look for the lesson that is being taught.

One of the days this week was a hard day. Life has been a little stressful with work picking back up. That’s fine though, I love my job and working keeps my mind occupied for sure. Working two jobs is getting a little more stressful as well, but again, I signed up for it so I’m not about to complain about that whatsoever, I just know it has played a roll in my mental status a bit.

However, anxiety and depression can strike out of nowhere. You can feel like you’re doing alright and then a fucking train of sadness and overwhelmed feelings take over your mind. There’s no need to run from the train, you couldn’t even if you tried. I welcome the wreck with open arms, ready to see how I can fight my emotions.

There was a day where it was a little more challenging to hold it together and not lose my shit. However, we’re almost through the week and I’m still alright. I still can’t shake the anxious feeling, did I fuck up sometime? Can I do better tomorrow? Am I missing something? Am I doing a good job? Do I know what I’m doing? Am I getting too comfortable? Should I check my professionalism? Have I been there for my kids? Am I listening to them? Giving them enough attention?

The questions are never-ending and never answered. There may not be an answer to any of these damn questions, but I ask them in my head anyway. Over-analyzing everything constantly.

Reassurance is needed although I limit who I seek it from. Life changes and it’s my job to change with it. Bobbin’ and weavin’ whatever life is throwing at me. Becoming stronger for the next stage or at least trying to.

It helps me to stop and think about my life. Evaluate it. Analyze it. Figure out what’s stressing me out and draining me and then make modifications to make life less draining. It typically involves self analyzing where I’m allocating my time. Where can I be most hopeful to fulfill my empath tendencies? That in and of itself is draining as well so where is the break?

The take away is, identify what’s triggering you and make the changes to prevent that from happening.

We all max out at some point. The weekend is to recharge and take the time to take a break from all the shit in life that is stressing you out. I pick one day at least to try and do that. Cleaning is a way that I relieve stress so I clean. Sometimes I write, read, spend a lot of time on my phone. Anything that you want that gets you out of the environment that is making you stressed. If you can’t leave, read a book, you escape to a fantasy land for a bit, sometimes that helps me.

Whatever you do, remember to recharge in some way when you are feeling drained, overwhelmed, or like life is starting to get harder or just shitty.

You have the right to take time to be selfish. Remember that!

-Dear Perception

Temporary Weakness

mental health, Parenting, thoughts

A few months back, my brother said these words in response to me tearing up very briefly, I would say seconds, before acting like those tears never existed.

I’ve never in my life thought about it this way.

I hate feeling weak.

Even a little bit.

In any way, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I despise feeling weak and unable.

Now, I realize this is unhealthy, so please spare the comments. I’m very aware of myself and all of the unhealthiness that is wrapped up inside of me.

However, the phrase, “Temporary Weakness”, has stuck with me since I heard him say the words.

Today, perfect example, I cried over some shit that’s going on, like a normal person.

Today, I also cried in front of people I haven’t cried in front of in years.

Over shit that I would never want to discuss with them because it’s my business.

I cried because it is something that I hate talking about.

Something I know is an issue but I’ve been working on it.

Issues that are complex and they take a lot of work to perfect.

Perfection doesn’t exist so I can say we’re working on happiness as a family and that’s a lot of work.

Anyway, I feel fine now.

I sent some text messages thanking the people who saw me weak and vulnerable. I think it’s important that we show appreciation to the people that are there for us!

I told them it was temporary weakness and I’m fine now.

The truth is, I am fine and it was just temporary.

It’s sooo fucking important to know that temporary sadness, weakness, vulnerability, all that’s fine. It sucks and I fucking hate it when it happens, but it needs to happen sometimes.

We can’t be strong 24/7. Trust me, I’ve tried!

There’s not one person on this earth that can say they’ve never cried (unless some medical or mental issue that causes that). I’ve been looking for natural human instinct and showing emotion is one of them. Why? They don’t know yet, peep the article, The Science of Crying.

So cry it out, be temporarily weak, then wipe your tears and figure out how to feel better and fix whatever it is that made you feel that way.

I may hate having these emotions and feelings but I’m slowly learning to accept them and to stop trying to be strong all of the time.

We all have a breaking point. Try to identify yours before you hit it, because if something is triggered, there’s no controlling yourself sometimes

Let your emotions flow for the moment!

Tomorrow is not promised.

-Dear Perception

I Choose to Stay Quiet

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Externally, I’m vocally silent.

Internally, I’m screaming with rage.

Externally, my face is neutral.

Internally, the fire is ablaze.

It’s a mystery how I got to this point.

How I figured out when to shut up.

It took many years, many feelings hurt, many fights.

But I learned when enough is enough.

Sometimes speaking wastes my energy.

Sometimes my words get lost in the fury.

So I wait and I ponder .

I tear myself up.

Till I’m ready to say what I really want.

It comes out much smoother when the fire goes out.

I can talk without exploding.

Sometimes the conversation goes well.

Sometimes there’s no smooth sailing.

So the pattern repeats, I choose to stay quiet.

What’s the point in arguing these days.

My silence, oh I know it speaks volumes.

Plus, I’m fucking tired anyway!

-Dear Perception

You Can’t Save the World

anxiety, mental health, thoughts

I mean, why the fuck not though?

Oh, I know. You’ll give yourself never ending work and forget to mentally rest.

Drive yourself crazy trying to fix everything and everyone around you.

You’ll put yourself last because everyone else’s life is more important sometimes.

Always being there for everyone.

Seeming like the yes girl.

But I want to save the world.

I want to spread smiles.

I want to spread joy.

I want to spread positivity.

I have a lot of desire. I’m aware.

Someone once told me that I couldn’t save the world.

No, I won’t save the world.

I will help a family at work or save someone’s life by reaching out when nobody else will!

I can be there for a friend even though I really don’t want to be sometimes.

I can listen more than respond.

I can support and be honest.

There are a ton of things that I can do that won’t be saving the world at all.

But to me, at least it’s a contribution to the mission.

-Dear Perception

Balance and Be Still

advice, anxiety, mental health, thoughts

Okay one, what the fuck does that even mean? Two, can anyone actually even do this? If so, three, point me in the right direction!

I struggle with finding balance.

Some days I have more energy for work, some days I have more energy for my kids. Some days, I don’t have energy for either.

I struggle with being still.

Some days there are a million things to do around the house and I can’t sit still until they are done, other times I’m trapped in my own mind, sitting still, but my head is rushing.

I don’t know if “balance” is even a realistic thing to call what we try to do in life.

We all wear multiple hats.

I am a mom first and foremost.

I am a behavior analyst.

I am a sister.

I am a daughter.

I am a supervisor.

I am a woman.

I am a maid.

I am a scheduler.

I am a chef.

I am many things.

How are we expected to balance all of this?

It makes me feel better when I tell myself that this expectation of finding balance and being still is unrealistic.

I don’t think we’re expected to find a true balance where we actually feel okay. I think there are waves of calmness that happens periodically to make us feel like we have everything under control. I also believe there are waves of chaos and unexpected events that make life feel harder at times. That’s just how it goes.

I don’t plan to meet expectations of trying to make my life feel balanced. I don’t plan on being still anymore. I plan on embracing the waves that are easier than others. I plan to know when to take a break and I plan to do what makes me completely and one hundred percent happy.

I encourage everyone to stop searching and seeking for ways to “feel better”. Just embrace life and do what makes you happy (as long as it’s legal of course!)

2020: I even look unbalanced in this picture! 🙂

-Dear Perception

*CW: Blast From the Past

anxiety, mental health, thoughts, trigger warning

As I set my status to away before I left for the weekend. There were so many thoughts going through my head. We headed out regardless and I found myself excited for the weekend. I reassured myself countless times that everything was going to be okay.

It was as in nobody died while I was gone or while I was there.

My brother and I always took a trip with my mom and stepdad when we were kids. It was one of the few spots my mom would take us to. We did a lot of outdoor things because it was affordable and I am grateful for what we used to do on a budget.

When we were kids, my brother and I would run the entire river and hike the mountains (actual mountain in picture below, across from where we are standing).

We would steal paddle boats, jump off of the cliffs into the water.

We would play pick up games on the basketball courts, almost getting shot once when a game went wrong.

When it was time to sleep, we slept.

We slept in a kid’s tent through a thunderstorm that had winds so hard they knocked down a log branch and it damaged the van that my mom and stepdad were sleeping in.

I got stuck on the mountain one time and had to wait up there alone as my brother had to go first find my mom who was fishing somewhere and then get her to go up and help me down. She only had to tell me once for me to be able to have enough strength and courage to climb that mountain. I didn’t want to disturb her peace again. The next time we went, we made it to the top and I watched nervously as my brother dangled his feet over the edge of the cliff.

I was around ten years old when I drove my stepdad’s S10 around the park because he was completely wasted and went to find us after we weren’t at the campsite when they got back from fishing. I refused to let him drive and he fought me a little but eventually gave me the keys. Luckily, this wasn’t my first time driving. As we drove I listened to him slur his way through some rant about him and my mom arguing. That was enough information for me to dismiss myself immediately once we got back as I did not want to witness another argument. I tried to go to sleep fast.

The memories we have at that park are plenty good and plenty bad. I know we never got a shelter or a cabin and I would always stare at them as we passed them by. We always got a campsite next to the fishing spot and the mountain. We ate whatever there was, typically sandwiches, hotdogs, hamburgers, we snacked a ton, and we stayed out of my mom’s hair. That last one was rule number one.

That was the place my mom wanted us to throw her ashes. I have visited this park a couple times on a day trip, never overnight as an adult.

Until last year when we honored my mom’s wish.

We’ve made plenty of new memories. My brother with his family and me with mine. Our kids are loving it but I look at that mountain we used to hike and my heart rate increases. There is no way in hell you will catch my kids running fucking wild in that park. My brother and I spent time laughing at shit we used to do, trying to figure out how the fuck we actually survived.

Regardless of the reason we were there, we are now showing our kids completely different things than what we did and saw.

We stay with them for one. We rented a campsite last year and a screen shelter this year. Next year, we’re moving into cabins, which I never knew existed until I was older just FYI. I thought those were for super rich people, but I am grateful to be able to afford a campsite at the very least. It really isn’t that bad of a price because I am cheap myself.

We rent the paddle boats now instead of stealing them, that’s growth.

My kids are watched constantly and we are showing them how to survive as well. I want them to have the fun I did as a kid but my anxiety as an adult is interfering. This year was better and easier as we learned from our mistakes last year. Which means that next year should be even smoother and factoring in that all of the kids will be another year older!

My mom was busy with her own vices when I was little. She didn’t supervise anything but her fishing rod, beer, and cigarettes. However, my brother and I made some memories that some kids may never get.

When we were younger, we ran with the wolves. Free spirits, fitting in and adapting as needed.

Now that I am more aware of my surroundings, I am shocked by how much I didn’t know as a child. How naive I truly was because I was busy in my own world, chasing the next adrenaline rush and trying to fit in and impress my big brother.

Catch me taking pictures and sitting down now as I let my children jump off of the ropes, of course with my brother and my boyfriend close by just in case.

-Dear Perception

Status:Away

anxiety, mental health, thoughts

How can I escape reality when there’s so many things I’m leaving behind?

People are not doing good around me and I’m feeling I need to stay.

We had this camping trip planned for weeks, I haven’t gone anywhere in months, before corona.

I looked for the signs that told me not to leave and I told my brother if he felt okay about going.

He was fine and all the bad signs I had started to turn around.

Today’s the day. Anxiety will not win.

I’m out for weekend. Escaping reality (not really, Fkn anxiety is still coming for the ride), and hoping that I don’t come back to total disaster.

-Dear Perception

Choose to Stay

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

Thoughts racing, hearts pacing

Heads rushing, I’m not too trusting

This life game is forever changing

I love challenges so I keep playing

Crippling anxiety

As long as my heart is thriving

Beating and alive see

I will live my life gee

Don’t talk about sobriety

Come and sit by me

Enlighten me

Tell me about your life please

So I can escape mine please

Let me give advice

Let me in your mind

I want to see how you think

I want to help you start to achieve

Your true potential, so exponential

The things you can do when you get your mind together

We on borrowed time and we slowly wither

Just be happy and be free

Keep your same energy

No matter what comes your way

I hope you choose to stay!

These are some thoughts of the day!

-Dear Perception