Depression is Fierce

depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

I’m starting to think that I wasn’t as content as I thought I was originally.

My mind is clearing up and I can see everything vividly.

I once thought I knew the key to happiness, just stop caring.

Depression almost had me, that was kind of scary.

Not to say it won’t show up again.

I may follow it to play.

Not intentionally of course.

But depression runs a pretty smooth game.

I was sinking, my head was full, my heart was heavy.

Things I used to do didn’t catch my interest, I thought it was part of my journey, wings spreading.

I was mistaken once again, I’m so glad I’m snapping back.

I lost my sister three years ago, my grandma two years ago, and my mom after that.

I’m no longer sad. Well maybe a little.

I miss my sister a lot, it’s inevitable.

She was my rock, my constant, right there with my brother.

Now it’s just two of us, getting stronger together.

You didn’t want me to be sad, mad, or be dragging my feet everyday.

If you were here today I don’t want to imagine what you would say.

I’ll find myself again, I promise real soon.

It’s been three years sis, this is long overdue!

-Dear Perception

*CW: Nature vs. Nurture

advice, mental health, Parenting, thoughts, trigger warning

This argument, in all the years I’ve had to pick a side for an argumentative essay, I’ve never chosen a side.

Okay, before we start on today’s rant, let’s keep in mind this isn’t the typical debate. We’ve all had to learn about nature vs. nurture, and if you haven’t basically it’s about a person and the way they turn out as an adult, is it a product of nature (natural events such as genetics) or nurture (the way they were raised). There’s also something now called epigenetics which says that nurture can affect the genes. 🤯 Read More Here.

There’s definitely not a definitive answer to this question though.

The answer is both or all of it. 🤷‍♀️

People can develop their own ideas and constructs from anything. Look around at the world. All of the controversy is typically because of differing opinions, or misinterpretation, or a different perspective. Therefore, nature vs. nurture wise, you can become who you are based on both, depending on how you choose to interpret it.

Let me lay it out.

I’m a product of both.

My parents were drug addicts, in and out of jail, rehabs, multiple different people in their lives, domestic violence, check!

My mom suffered from schizo affect disorder and bipolar disorder. Risk factor for me, pretty high.

I moved over 15 times in the span of 13 years…. no military affiliation. I saw cocaine and needles at the age of 3. I saw physical fighting, hammers being thrown, hair being pulled, my mom smacking my dad upside the head with a frying pan, stepdad choking my mom out while she beat him upside the head with a cordless phone charger. I’ve seen some things, but I recognize it’s not as bad as some people still.

I’ve seen my mom purchase a gun with a silencer because she was tired of the neighbors partying. And I’m not saying she killed anybody, I’m just saying I never heard those neighbors party again, because they moved shortly after.

I’ve seen the cop car lights in the middle of the night, I’ve been unsure or where I was going to live. I’ve woken up with no electricity, literally gotten dressed in the dark. I’ve gone without eating and I’ve gone without basic things you would think all children have growing up, trust me. Again, I want to recognize that some children still have it worse. Let’s not forget #saveourchildren.

It’s easy to fall into the statistics with this background. Not to say I didn’t, because I most definitely did in some aspects.

I started partying at age 12. Drinking, smoking, acting wild. I did that. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6. Wtf was I even doing? I stole from stores and hid drugs for people at the age of 7. I skipped school, I hung out with the gangbangers, I started a “gang”, high school shit, I’ve carved into my skin, the whole cutting phase was a thing, and I never backed down from anything or anyone, ready to fight at all times.

My dad kicked me out at age 16. I got pregnant at the age of 17. So yeah, to say I didn’t alter my life negatively in some ways, I won’t lie about. My first born was my savior though. She really doesn’t even understand.

I went through a rebellious kid phase that lasted from age 6-17/18 I guess. It was a crazy journey but I adapted to my surroundings as best as I could. That’s not me anymore, to an extent.

I graduated high school with a 3.95 GPA. I never failed a class. Only got suspended once, surprisingly. I graduated earlier than the rest of my class. I started college immediately after and went on to earn my Masters degree at the age of 26. Today I’m a behavior analyst managing a fucking clinic! I have a house, three kids now, and I’m hustling everyday to never go back to where I came from.

On the flip side, I’ll never forget where I came from. Would I say I made it? Absolutely but I still have more goals to accomplish.

One thing is for sure, my kids will never have to struggle but they will know about the struggle.

So nurture wise, it played its part, but nature wise, instinctively I was stronger. I mean, I have my weaknesses mentally, I’m not okay all of the time. Nurture wise, that did mess me up a little, but nature wise, I’m still stronger. I will still fight to ensure a better life for myself and my children.

So to the great debate, I say don’t let that determine who you become. Let it all play a part, but in the end make your own decisions! You do have control over your choices now, if you let some of that baggage that’s holding you down go. Don’t let the past define everything about you. It will affect you, it will be hard to overcome triggers, it will be difficult. That’s not sugar coated. It’s up to you to fight and not give up, even when it feels like life is crushing you, you can turn it around. Think outside of the box. Think survival. Because if there’s anything that is natural human instincts, survival is one of them!

You got this!

-Dear Perception

Temporary Weakness

mental health, Parenting, thoughts

A few months back, my brother said these words in response to me tearing up very briefly, I would say seconds, before acting like those tears never existed.

I’ve never in my life thought about it this way.

I hate feeling weak.

Even a little bit.

In any way, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I despise feeling weak and unable.

Now, I realize this is unhealthy, so please spare the comments. I’m very aware of myself and all of the unhealthiness that is wrapped up inside of me.

However, the phrase, “Temporary Weakness”, has stuck with me since I heard him say the words.

Today, perfect example, I cried over some shit that’s going on, like a normal person.

Today, I also cried in front of people I haven’t cried in front of in years.

Over shit that I would never want to discuss with them because it’s my business.

I cried because it is something that I hate talking about.

Something I know is an issue but I’ve been working on it.

Issues that are complex and they take a lot of work to perfect.

Perfection doesn’t exist so I can say we’re working on happiness as a family and that’s a lot of work.

Anyway, I feel fine now.

I sent some text messages thanking the people who saw me weak and vulnerable. I think it’s important that we show appreciation to the people that are there for us!

I told them it was temporary weakness and I’m fine now.

The truth is, I am fine and it was just temporary.

It’s sooo fucking important to know that temporary sadness, weakness, vulnerability, all that’s fine. It sucks and I fucking hate it when it happens, but it needs to happen sometimes.

We can’t be strong 24/7. Trust me, I’ve tried!

There’s not one person on this earth that can say they’ve never cried (unless some medical or mental issue that causes that). I’ve been looking for natural human instinct and showing emotion is one of them. Why? They don’t know yet, peep the article, The Science of Crying.

So cry it out, be temporarily weak, then wipe your tears and figure out how to feel better and fix whatever it is that made you feel that way.

I may hate having these emotions and feelings but I’m slowly learning to accept them and to stop trying to be strong all of the time.

We all have a breaking point. Try to identify yours before you hit it, because if something is triggered, there’s no controlling yourself sometimes

Let your emotions flow for the moment!

Tomorrow is not promised.

-Dear Perception

Mind Your Business

Parenting, thoughts

This past weekend while hanging out at a lake, my kids were outside hanging out with the adults.

We were all just casually conversing and my kids kept chiming in. Typical kid behavior.

However, they would contribute nothing to the conversation and get upset when I told them to leave.

I kept thinking back to when I was younger, not that I grew up with stable parents who had guests over often, but I could not remember ever adding to adult conversations in any way.

I minded my own business. Did I eavesdrop? Oh absolutely, but I would stay quiet so they wouldn’t tell me to go away in the few moments I was around them.

I’m not sure why my kids are not picking up on this. Every time they say something irrelevant I ask them why that even mattered? Then send them off. Example, my daughter, in the middle of the lake, in front of a ton of strangers, blurted out, “MOM, HOW MANY GUYS HAVE YOU DATED IN YOUR LIFE?” Nobody was talking about anything near dating or anything like that!

I fucking froze. Like why kid? Why now? What kind of intentions did you have behind that if any? You act so grown all the time why you asking that right now? You should know better!!!

I was baffled.

I played it off and redirected but why are kids like this?

Especially these days?

I always kick them out of our conversations, I know they want to be involved and need attention but sometimes, we need space.

Again, I’ve never remembered being so outspoken in adult conversations.

Maybe I’m not remembering correctly but let me hear about your experiences with your children or growing up as a child?

Did you mind your business or were you in the business but got dismissed? Never got dismissed? I’m so eager to know!

-Dear Perception

I Choose to Stay Quiet

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Externally, I’m vocally silent.

Internally, I’m screaming with rage.

Externally, my face is neutral.

Internally, the fire is ablaze.

It’s a mystery how I got to this point.

How I figured out when to shut up.

It took many years, many feelings hurt, many fights.

But I learned when enough is enough.

Sometimes speaking wastes my energy.

Sometimes my words get lost in the fury.

So I wait and I ponder .

I tear myself up.

Till I’m ready to say what I really want.

It comes out much smoother when the fire goes out.

I can talk without exploding.

Sometimes the conversation goes well.

Sometimes there’s no smooth sailing.

So the pattern repeats, I choose to stay quiet.

What’s the point in arguing these days.

My silence, oh I know it speaks volumes.

Plus, I’m fucking tired anyway!

-Dear Perception

Value Your Efforts

advice, thoughts

Not everyone is going to.

It’s typical for humans to crave reassurance. Sometimes, a little praise for what you’re doing may be nice. However, that’s not always the case.

Sometimes, nobody is going to tell you that you’re an amazing human being and that what you’re doing is right. In reality, nobody knows if what they are doing is right but society has made money power so we know that if we have money we’re doing okay…?

The point is, don’t let society make you feel any type of way. Look around at America right now, there’s nothing pleasing about it. So be yourself and remember to value your own effort because as long as you’re trying, you’re doing an amazing job!!

-Dear Perception

Don’t Do It

Uncategorized

That sounds terrible right. When people talk about kids, typically the response is, “Oh my god, you should have a baby!” Don’t listen to those friends. Those friends, especially if they have kids, are LYING!

Let me explain a little further. I had my first kid at 17. Young, right, I know. Then I had my second one at 19, which is still pretty young but I was two years deep into parenting so I figured I had motherhood figured out.

The younger me, I would’ve told you like yes have some kids. They aren’t that bad. Maybe, maybe the people who tell you to have kids don’t have more than two. Let me tell you, two is the maximum amount of kids anyone should have.

It was the third child that made me break. It tipped the scale. The balance is now out of sync. I have a two older children now and a baby. The baby needs all of the attention, but the older kids aren’t that much older, so they also require attention. There’s never a break and nobody is ever satisfied, and being the perfect mom, that doesn’t exist. Let’s be real.

What I mean by don’t do it, yes the third child tipped the scale but the third child also seems to be the easiest to take care of. My patience level has developed at the age of 29, I was 26 at the time of having her. I was almost completely done with my masters degree, about to sit for the exam to make my career take off.

So when I say, and people will tell you I say it often, “Don’t do it”, I mean, Don’t do it until you are ready. Being a mom at 17, 19 years old, struggling to make ends meet, trying to go to school full-time, work a couple of jobs, and still raise them. That was difficult. When in reality, I should’ve waited. I should’ve done everything first, gotten my degree, established my career, felt okay with life, then brought my children into this world. My older two went through way more struggles with me than my youngest one. All because I wasn’t ready. So if I tell you, “Don’t do it”, I mean, make sure you’re ready! Being a mom or a parent at that, is not easy. It’s cute when they are little, I get the baby fever, but in reality they grow up, they don’t listen sometimes, they laugh when you are angry, they test your fucking patience. In addition to that, they violate all of your privacy, they take all of your money, they eat ALL of the food, and they require a ton of attention. If you like any of the above mentioned things and you don’t want to share or you don’t have money to spend on the diapers, the wipes, the formula, the food, the clothes, the school activities, all of that, then yeah, Don’t do it!

-Dear Perception