Forever Evolving

Poetry, thoughts
-Dear Perception

I’m forever evolving.

I’m not the same person you met before.

My old persona is dissolving.

I’m becoming someone much stronger.

As the process of becoming me continues.

I realized there’s still so much to learn.

There’s so many other avenues.

Than what I imagined at first.

Simple minds don’t think alike.

My views sure as hell may not match yours.

Raising likes ain’t my goal in life.

I’m not out here trying to be popular.

I have three sets of eyes on me everyday.

Three beautiful spirits, uniquely insane.

I’m teaching them to always find their way.

To be okay with not being okay.

That life isn’t always going to be fair.

The tears will go as quickly as they come.

Play nice, but keep that guard up there.

No need in getting burned, it’s not fun.

Teaching them through my poor mistakes.

The attitude of I know it all.

Haven’t we all gone through that phase.

The reality of being so small.

I’m growing, I’m evolving.

I’m not who you once used to know.

I’m not sure if I know who I’m becoming.

I just know up ahead is a long road!

-Dear Perception

❤️ Internal Battles 🧠

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

Sit back, let’s have a conversation and relax.

Brain: You do realize you don’t have time for that.

Enlighten me with your life’s stories.

Anxiety: This doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.

If you need anything, just let me know.

Heart: You’re always trying to cover up your sorrow.

I can’t wait for the next time we hang out.

Depression: You know you’re going to cancel, just cancel that now.

I’m waking up, I got so much to do.

Mind: You say that everyday, that’s nothing new.

I need a break, let me sit down and scroll.

Brain: I thought today you were gonna break that cycle.

The day is flying by, I feel so unaccomplished,

Anxiety: Omg, there’s so much shit.

I have tomorrow, let me rest today.

Heart: Yeah, the ones you love need you anyway .

I’m stressing now, when will it all stop.

Depression: you could end it anytime that you wanted.

Deep breaths, that’s what they say to do.

Mind: Come on you know that doesn’t work for you.

Yeah, you’re right, I think I’m running out of options.

Brain: No you’re not, you haven’t even really thought about them.

Keep pushing, I’m stronger than I know.

Anxiety: People expect you to keep up the facade bro.

It’s never ending, smile, and push on.

Heart: Do it for the ones you love, be strong.

I do it all the time, no excuses to be made.

Depression: Yes and then you cry at the end of the day.

Behind closed doors, what I do is my business.

Mind: Yeah, but can you even handle it?

-Dear Perception

Depression is Fierce

depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

I’m starting to think that I wasn’t as content as I thought I was originally.

My mind is clearing up and I can see everything vividly.

I once thought I knew the key to happiness, just stop caring.

Depression almost had me, that was kind of scary.

Not to say it won’t show up again.

I may follow it to play.

Not intentionally of course.

But depression runs a pretty smooth game.

I was sinking, my head was full, my heart was heavy.

Things I used to do didn’t catch my interest, I thought it was part of my journey, wings spreading.

I was mistaken once again, I’m so glad I’m snapping back.

I lost my sister three years ago, my grandma two years ago, and my mom after that.

I’m no longer sad. Well maybe a little.

I miss my sister a lot, it’s inevitable.

She was my rock, my constant, right there with my brother.

Now it’s just two of us, getting stronger together.

You didn’t want me to be sad, mad, or be dragging my feet everyday.

If you were here today I don’t want to imagine what you would say.

I’ll find myself again, I promise real soon.

It’s been three years sis, this is long overdue!

-Dear Perception

Refocused .💭. Thoughts

anxiety, Poetry, thoughts

Focus on not focusing.

Clear your head.

Deep breathing.

But don’t think about the breath.

Excuse me? Come again!

That shit seems impossible.

Undesirable.

My mind is blown.

You’re telling me,

you can do these things?

Stop your thoughts,

tranquilize your own mind?

My mind filled up with songs.

These thoughts won’t leave no matter how hard I try!

I know you’re not supposed to try though.

You’re supposed to relax.

Kick back.

Don’t think about the past!

Fuck that.

These continuous thoughts won’t stop unless I move.

Stay busy and refocused, then those thoughts go too.

Meditation may be something I don’t know how to do.

I’ve spent my whole life finding ways to drown out the noise in my head.

Pick up a book and read instead.

Overstimulated.

Then I write.

Take the thoughts out of my mind.

Stopping them? That will never be.

I’ll keep finding ways that work for me!

-Dear Perception

🌩 Before the Storm ⛈

anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

My head is filling up again

With tasks and priorities

Will it pop, how will this end?

I don’t think I’m ready.

I’m not ready to be angry.

I’m not ready to feel weak.

I’m not ready for virtual learning.

I’m not ready for a damn thing.

I want to stay in the moment.

The moment before shit hits the fan.

The moment before I lose my cool.

The moment before I fuck up again.

Can I depress before I explode?

That’s an answer that I don’t know!

It’s day by day, night by night.

How long will my brain try to fight?

Stay tuned till the next time.

Fingers crossed this all ends right!

-Dear Perception

You Can’t Save the World

anxiety, mental health, thoughts

I mean, why the fuck not though?

Oh, I know. You’ll give yourself never ending work and forget to mentally rest.

Drive yourself crazy trying to fix everything and everyone around you.

You’ll put yourself last because everyone else’s life is more important sometimes.

Always being there for everyone.

Seeming like the yes girl.

But I want to save the world.

I want to spread smiles.

I want to spread joy.

I want to spread positivity.

I have a lot of desire. I’m aware.

Someone once told me that I couldn’t save the world.

No, I won’t save the world.

I will help a family at work or save someone’s life by reaching out when nobody else will!

I can be there for a friend even though I really don’t want to be sometimes.

I can listen more than respond.

I can support and be honest.

There are a ton of things that I can do that won’t be saving the world at all.

But to me, at least it’s a contribution to the mission.

-Dear Perception

I’m Not a Shitty Mom!

anxiety, Parenting, thoughts

The guilt is starting to sink in. It’s been quarantine time. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to work from home and identify a new schedule that works for my family and myself. I’ve been trying to balance this weird life we have right now the best I can. It’s been good, I’ve actually felt mentally okay. For the most part. However today, nope. It’s like the little angry guy from the movie Inside Out kicked the rest of the emotions out and completely took over.

I’ve started going back to the office physically, and the break away from my kids I thought would help. In reality, it’s better if I’m home. At least then, they aren’t all thirsty and craving my attention.

Can we talk about that for a minute?

Why do they need so much attention? I don’t remember being like this as a child! I stayed away from the adults so they couldn’t tell me what to do, I never wanted to be in their conversations. I had a ton of things to say, but never for attention, just to say it. All three of my little attention sucking minions need it though! I realize I will miss it when they are older and gone and it’s not quiet. When I’m bored and wish someone would need me to do something. However, there are definitely times, like today, where I could use that peace NOW!

Let me paint the picture.

Three girls. (That’s probably enough information) but three girls, all have different stories, at the same damn time, and then fighting because nobody is getting to talk. While I’m waiting in a motherfuking churches chicken drive thru, for 30 minutes because their damn drive thru speaker is broken. What is that? How is this even a drive thru, when I can’t even drive thru it because my ass is parked, waiting, to even order, because the damn speaker is broken! Therefore everyone is ordering AT THE WINDOW! Yes, I already pulled a “Karen” and I said they needed a damn super Karen to talk to upper management because how are they not fixing the damn speaker! I haven’t eaten all day, I’ve been gone all day and all I want to do is go home. But please little children, proceed to drain the rest of my energy and talk away, all of you….

In the moment, I went from impatient to furious to thinking the moment was hilarious because why am I even mad right now? Even though I was questioning myself, I was still mad. My kids knew I was angry too so in the back they are just throwing little fuel drops to my fire like, “Mom, how long have we been here?” “You’re really going to tell them about the speaker? Why is the speaker broken?” “This is dumb, this is taking forever!” Meanwhile I’m just getting amped up, ready to talk to this person at the window. Long story short, it was kid, he didn’t know why the speaker was broken, I got my food and complained online like a basic bitch! 🤷‍♀️

The point is, I was angry earlier and I felt like a shitty mom because all I really wanted was a break and the 30 minute car ride to get them wasn’t a break for me. Then it was non-stop when I picked them up and I really, really hate waiting so the drive thru situation was a trigger. In reality, I had to wait at Whataburger first because my oldest wanted that and yeah I should’ve said no but I didn’t so what got to me at the end of it all was I did it to myself!!!

Recognize when you’re mad at your own decisions. It’s comical sometimes like wow, I put myself in this shit. So by the end of the night, we played games and calmed down and I got a sticker for “putting us to bed” my four year old said.

So guess what, I’m not a shitty mom and yeah I felt guilty earlier but now, my kids show me unconditional love like I show them, so I’m alright!

Parents, get through the guilty times and reflect on how to make it better next time. Next time, my ass is going straight home! The End!

-Dear Perception