I created this blog and site as an outlet for people. A way for people to express themselves, find resources, get away from their normal programming for a little bit. However I also created this blog because of the person I am and what I need. I also need to express myself from time to time and this will be one of those times where none of my thoughts are pre-written, I’m just typing as I go.
Many of you don’t know a thing about me other than what I’ve written thus far. I wanted to give you an opportunity to learn more. I think it’s important that we know the stories behind the people we follow and talk with.
In a summarized version, I’ve experienced a lot of abuse and trauma throughout my life but this will be the first time you hear me refer to it as such.
I’ve never been a victim. I’ve never asked for sympathy or pity. I’ve made life changes to make sure that what I’ve experienced in my life won’t happen again.
In the process, I’ve gotten away from myself as a person slightly.
As we all grow and figure out the person we want to be, I’ve been adapting to different environments and making myself the person that fits the environment. I’ve done this my entire life. I’ve had to adapt to blend if I wants to survive so now it’s literally impossible for me not to do that. It’s a handy trick at times, but not one that I’m fond of all of the time.
In doing so, I question at times if I know who I really am?
Then I hear my mom’s voice in the back of my head,
Remember who you are!-My mom
It sounds so cliche but it’s solid advice. My mom was one fucked up person. However, she was that fucked up person EVERYWHERE. She was herself and she would never let me not be myself.
I used to be a fighter. Physically. I would fight anyone on sight. If someone’s talking shit, here I go to talk to them about it and call them out. The mantra was I couldn’t come home if I lost. I know I can’t be the only one who’s been told this… so if you have, let me know how your parents worded it!
Anyway, that’s not me anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’ll fight if I absolutely have to but I’m avoiding situations that will put me in those positions. I feel weak at times and my headspace is all weird. I have panic attacks now, like wtf! I hate them so fkn much but I get myself through them the whole time telling myself to get a grip. To stop being a little bitch. Why? That’s my mom in my head.
Being weak was never an option around a woman who seemed so strong!
So today I remember that even though my mom is no longer here, I must remember where I come from. Anxiety, depression, those are merely labels. I can live with them and still be absolutely successful because that’s who I am!
I am a leader.
I am fierce.
I am strong.
I am wise.
I am brave.
I am compassionate.
I am outspoken!
I am me!
**Note: A friend on Facebook sent me this challenge, so I wanted to honor it and spread the love. The challenge is to empower women and encouraging solidarity. I empower everyone so guys, girls, empower each other!