I’ve taken a break from writing, although I’m trying to make a comeback.
Can we talk about how fucking crazy life has been for a second?
I’m not sure what everyone else is up to, but I’m busy AF!
Work, kids, home life, and to be quite honest, reading has been consuming my writing time.
I’m super deep in a book and once I finish it, I’ll review it for you all.
As for now, here’s a check in.
Mentally, I feel the stress and the chaos, anxiety and depression trying to win, however it won’t.
At least not yet anyway.
There’s a ton of positive and negative things in my life but I think we all have positive and negative situations and it really just depends on how you view the situation and if you are going to dwell on the negative situations, find solutions for them, or completely ignore them.
Whatever you choose to do, I hope it’s the choice that makes you happy and feeling more positive.
Take out the sage.
Light some candles.
Go to church and pray.
Read that book you keep putting off.
Whatever it is that makes you feel peaceful, do it.
Be happy but realistically happy. Don’t be the sprinkles that overdo the fucking cake happy.
Just be the amount of sprinkles that makes you and others around you happy to be in your company!
Happy writing and happy reading or happy doing whatever the hell makes you happy!
This argument, in all the years I’ve had to pick a side for an argumentative essay, I’ve never chosen a side.
Okay, before we start on today’s rant, let’s keep in mind this isn’t the typical debate. We’ve all had to learn about nature vs. nurture, and if you haven’t basically it’s about a person and the way they turn out as an adult, is it a product of nature (natural events such as genetics) or nurture (the way they were raised). There’s also something now called epigenetics which says that nurture can affect the genes. 🤯 Read More Here.
There’s definitely not a definitive answer to this question though.
The answer is both or all of it. 🤷♀️
People can develop their own ideas and constructs from anything. Look around at the world. All of the controversy is typically because of differing opinions, or misinterpretation, or a different perspective. Therefore, nature vs. nurture wise, you can become who you are based on both, depending on how you choose to interpret it.
Let me lay it out.
I’m a product of both.
My parents were drug addicts, in and out of jail, rehabs, multiple different people in their lives, domestic violence, check!
My mom suffered from schizo affect disorder and bipolar disorder. Risk factor for me, pretty high.
I moved over 15 times in the span of 13 years…. no military affiliation. I saw cocaine and needles at the age of 3. I saw physical fighting, hammers being thrown, hair being pulled, my mom smacking my dad upside the head with a frying pan, stepdad choking my mom out while she beat him upside the head with a cordless phone charger. I’ve seen some things, but I recognize it’s not as bad as some people still.
I’ve seen my mom purchase a gun with a silencer because she was tired of the neighbors partying. And I’m not saying she killed anybody, I’m just saying I never heard those neighbors party again, because they moved shortly after.
I’ve seen the cop car lights in the middle of the night, I’ve been unsure or where I was going to live. I’ve woken up with no electricity, literally gotten dressed in the dark. I’ve gone without eating and I’ve gone without basic things you would think all children have growing up, trust me. Again, I want to recognize that some children still have it worse. Let’s not forget #saveourchildren.
It’s easy to fall into the statistics with this background. Not to say I didn’t, because I most definitely did in some aspects.
I started partying at age 12. Drinking, smoking, acting wild. I did that. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6. Wtf was I even doing? I stole from stores and hid drugs for people at the age of 7. I skipped school, I hung out with the gangbangers, I started a “gang”, high school shit, I’ve carved into my skin, the whole cutting phase was a thing, and I never backed down from anything or anyone, ready to fight at all times.
My dad kicked me out at age 16. I got pregnant at the age of 17. So yeah, to say I didn’t alter my life negatively in some ways, I won’t lie about. My first born was my savior though. She really doesn’t even understand.
I went through a rebellious kid phase that lasted from age 6-17/18 I guess. It was a crazy journey but I adapted to my surroundings as best as I could. That’s not me anymore, to an extent.
I graduated high school with a 3.95 GPA. I never failed a class. Only got suspended once, surprisingly. I graduated earlier than the rest of my class. I started college immediately after and went on to earn my Masters degree at the age of 26. Today I’m a behavior analyst managing a fucking clinic! I have a house, three kids now, and I’m hustling everyday to never go back to where I came from.
On the flip side, I’ll never forget where I came from. Would I say I made it? Absolutely but I still have more goals to accomplish.
One thing is for sure, my kids will never have to struggle but they will know about the struggle.
So nurture wise, it played its part, but nature wise, instinctively I was stronger. I mean, I have my weaknesses mentally, I’m not okay all of the time. Nurture wise, that did mess me up a little, but nature wise, I’m still stronger. I will still fight to ensure a better life for myself and my children.
So to the great debate, I say don’t let that determine who you become. Let it all play a part, but in the end make your own decisions! You do have control over your choices now, if you let some of that baggage that’s holding you down go. Don’t let the past define everything about you. It will affect you, it will be hard to overcome triggers, it will be difficult. That’s not sugar coated. It’s up to you to fight and not give up, even when it feels like life is crushing you, you can turn it around. Think outside of the box. Think survival. Because if there’s anything that is natural human instincts, survival is one of them!
This past weekend while hanging out at a lake, my kids were outside hanging out with the adults.
We were all just casually conversing and my kids kept chiming in. Typical kid behavior.
However, they would contribute nothing to the conversation and get upset when I told them to leave.
I kept thinking back to when I was younger, not that I grew up with stable parents who had guests over often, but I could not remember ever adding to adult conversations in any way.
I minded my own business. Did I eavesdrop? Oh absolutely, but I would stay quiet so they wouldn’t tell me to go away in the few moments I was around them.
I’m not sure why my kids are not picking up on this. Every time they say something irrelevant I ask them why that even mattered? Then send them off. Example, my daughter, in the middle of the lake, in front of a ton of strangers, blurted out, “MOM, HOW MANY GUYS HAVE YOU DATED IN YOUR LIFE?” Nobody was talking about anything near dating or anything like that!
I fucking froze. Like why kid? Why now? What kind of intentions did you have behind that if any? You act so grown all the time why you asking that right now? You should know better!!!
I was baffled.
I played it off and redirected but why are kids like this?
Especially these days?
I always kick them out of our conversations, I know they want to be involved and need attention but sometimes, we need space.
Again, I’ve never remembered being so outspoken in adult conversations.
Maybe I’m not remembering correctly but let me hear about your experiences with your children or growing up as a child?
Did you mind your business or were you in the business but got dismissed? Never got dismissed? I’m so eager to know!
I live in a household with four other people. Three little humans that depend on me. I supervise countless students and employees and work with numerous families throughout my daily life. I have a pretty solid support system, if you want to call it that, I have people I can turn to if needed. I have friends who genuinely care about me, at least I think! The point is, there’s plenty of people, so why on somedays do I feel so alone?
It’s usually the days where I have so many thoughts in my head, but I have nobody to call.
I talk so much, I know I can be a lot to some people because quite honestly, I’m a lot to myself sometimes! Some days, I don’t care. Some days, I do. The days I do is when I truly should talk to others the most, but I don’t want to be a burden or a bother.
Some days, I really just want to talk to my sister, because she was always there, but then I have to face reality that I can’t do that. So I keep it all inside.
Feeling alone seriously happens and consider yourself lucky if you’ve never felt this way, it’s not a nice feeling. You can be surrounded by so many different people, yet you feel like you don’t exist. For me, it’s because I get lost in my own mind, really I pretend everyone else doesn’t exist. I think it can work both ways. I get so caught up in my thoughts, the what ifs, the fuck this sucks, the nobody will understand, that I forget to remember what is right in front of me in the present.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing per say. I just think that it’s something that happens sometimes and we have to remember that it shall pass. That feeling of loneliness that appears every now and then, it goes away and you’re reminded of all of the people you have around you. If you can just make it through those lonely times, there is someone out there for everyone, and someone who you can find to talk to. Sometimes, you have to not be scared to make those connections, because those connections can save us. I can be one of those people if you’re feeling like nobody is listening or you’re scared to talk to someone in person, because the world is terrifying. Anonymously, reach out. I will try to just listen because it sucks to feel lonely, but it sucks even more when you can’t fight the urge to give up. Here’s your sign, PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP! Find your happiness, fuck what everyone else thinks, and just be you!