No Escape

anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts
Photo cred: Mat Reding

They say that we all live to die.

My question is why?

Why do we build up this life?

When in the end we say bye?

Does our life serve a purpose?

Have we created fictional versions

Of what life is supposed to be

Making it a harder excursion.

We give and we take

Some take more than others

Some give more away

Some do things for cover.

Make themselves feel better.

Smile on their face, camera rolling.

The video will break records.

Social media has become so controlling.

Open your eyes.

Be a silent observer.

Take in other’s mind.

Learn to do better!

In the end we all die.

That’s not a lie. I must say.

Your grave will be no bigger than mine.

In the end, there’s no escape!

-Dear Perception

Neutral eMotions

anxiety, Poetry, thoughts

All of a sudden time stops for a moment.

Your world stops.

Nothing else matters.

Your mind becomes blocked.

Then suddenly it’s clear to see.

Living in a world of pain.

The purpose of life is now so real.

Life is a losing game.

Grief never leaves.

The what if’s never stop.

The agony inside takes over.

It will never be what it was.

I try not to think.

I think too much.

Who am I?

What do I want?

I live for others.

Not myself.

I want everyone to be happy.

Hopefully nobody can tell.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

In this life that I have for myself.

Everyday I keep doing it though.

Only time is going to tell.

-Dear Perception

Late Thoughts 🌙

Poetry, thoughts

Let’s talk about long days and longer nights.

Staying up late with too much shit upon my mind.

There’s a million things to do and simply not enough time.

So here I lie, sleep deprived.

This repetition is insane.

But I can’t stop my brain.

So it’s the same everyday.

I look forward to no changes.

Life gets hectic, people fail.

Well I would rather go to hell.

I’ve been through too much shit to bail.

Still managed to stay out of jail.

You see we all can make our choices.

Hear excuses in people’s voices.

I think people need to take courses.

In basic life skills, maybe more shit.

I survived and learned to do so.

With no guidance, just my own codes.

I’m observant, assume I know know.

My mouth won’t indulge in your exposure.

Needless to say, secrets are safe.

I’ll tuck them away, no need to play games.

Life could really be so easy.

If everyone went about their own ways.

-Dear Perception

❤️ Internal Battles 🧠

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

Sit back, let’s have a conversation and relax.

Brain: You do realize you don’t have time for that.

Enlighten me with your life’s stories.

Anxiety: This doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.

If you need anything, just let me know.

Heart: You’re always trying to cover up your sorrow.

I can’t wait for the next time we hang out.

Depression: You know you’re going to cancel, just cancel that now.

I’m waking up, I got so much to do.

Mind: You say that everyday, that’s nothing new.

I need a break, let me sit down and scroll.

Brain: I thought today you were gonna break that cycle.

The day is flying by, I feel so unaccomplished,

Anxiety: Omg, there’s so much shit.

I have tomorrow, let me rest today.

Heart: Yeah, the ones you love need you anyway .

I’m stressing now, when will it all stop.

Depression: you could end it anytime that you wanted.

Deep breaths, that’s what they say to do.

Mind: Come on you know that doesn’t work for you.

Yeah, you’re right, I think I’m running out of options.

Brain: No you’re not, you haven’t even really thought about them.

Keep pushing, I’m stronger than I know.

Anxiety: People expect you to keep up the facade bro.

It’s never ending, smile, and push on.

Heart: Do it for the ones you love, be strong.

I do it all the time, no excuses to be made.

Depression: Yes and then you cry at the end of the day.

Behind closed doors, what I do is my business.

Mind: Yeah, but can you even handle it?

-Dear Perception

Never ending Days

advice, anxiety, thoughts

Right now the days feel like they fly by.

But that won’t last forever.

There’s so much to do with so little time.

Time we all borrow together.

As history continues to repeat.

We will only remain a generation.

One of the many, many families.

Passing blood down to the next of kin.

We are born here to repopulate and die.

Like the rest of the animals around us.

Is your purpose greater than mine?

I don’t think I’m one to judge.

Day by day and night by night.

Sun up to sun down, moonrise.

My thoughts quickly consume my mind.

I can no longer hold them inside.

My life is on a continuous track.

My joy slowly depleting.

I have to try to get myself back.

Find the me I used to be.

Be that mom with patience.

Be the woman with pride.

Be the young girl who was fearless

Be the one who wants to strive.

Right now my days are never ending.

They blend together so well.

Right now, I need to stop being an enemy.

Especially to myself.

-Dear Perception

When Parenting Gets Hard 💔

anxiety, Parenting, thoughts

Do you know when parenting gets hard?

When you have to start being honest with yourself about the way your kids might turn out.

When you have to start being a little tougher when you know that all you want to do is hold them in your arms.

When the tears that used to be cute aren’t cute anymore.

When they struggle with right and wrong and you try so hard to guide them.

When you have to stop making the decisions for them.

When they have to learn about consequences and you can only watch.

When life starts becoming too real for them and you can’t stop it.

When you have to accept the fact that your children are not you.

When you learn that you have to deal with each child differently.

When parenting begins to feel exhausting.

That’s when parenting gets hard.

Sometimes I’m at a loss at what to do.

I feel like I fucking suck as a parent.

All I want to do is make sure my kids feel they can depend on me. That they are safe with me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough.

One day at a time for all the parents out there.

I think we all have these days. I think we all struggle sometimes as a parent.

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s not okay to stay that way.

When parenting gets hard, figure out how to make it better.

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual.

Make sure you’re writing a decent one.

-Dear Perception

Positive Vibes Your Way 😌😌

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, thoughts

I’ve taken a break from writing, although I’m trying to make a comeback.

Can we talk about how fucking crazy life has been for a second?

I’m not sure what everyone else is up to, but I’m busy AF!

Work, kids, home life, and to be quite honest, reading has been consuming my writing time.

I’m super deep in a book and once I finish it, I’ll review it for you all.

As for now, here’s a check in.

Mentally, I feel the stress and the chaos, anxiety and depression trying to win, however it won’t.

At least not yet anyway.

There’s a ton of positive and negative things in my life but I think we all have positive and negative situations and it really just depends on how you view the situation and if you are going to dwell on the negative situations, find solutions for them, or completely ignore them.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope it’s the choice that makes you happy and feeling more positive.

Take out the sage.

Light some candles.

Go to church and pray.

Read that book you keep putting off.

Whatever it is that makes you feel peaceful, do it.

Be happy but realistically happy. Don’t be the sprinkles that overdo the fucking cake happy.

Just be the amount of sprinkles that makes you and others around you happy to be in your company!

Happy writing and happy reading or happy doing whatever the hell makes you happy!

-Dear Perception

*CW: Nature vs. Nurture

advice, mental health, Parenting, thoughts, trigger warning

This argument, in all the years I’ve had to pick a side for an argumentative essay, I’ve never chosen a side.

Okay, before we start on today’s rant, let’s keep in mind this isn’t the typical debate. We’ve all had to learn about nature vs. nurture, and if you haven’t basically it’s about a person and the way they turn out as an adult, is it a product of nature (natural events such as genetics) or nurture (the way they were raised). There’s also something now called epigenetics which says that nurture can affect the genes. 🤯 Read More Here.

There’s definitely not a definitive answer to this question though.

The answer is both or all of it. 🤷‍♀️

People can develop their own ideas and constructs from anything. Look around at the world. All of the controversy is typically because of differing opinions, or misinterpretation, or a different perspective. Therefore, nature vs. nurture wise, you can become who you are based on both, depending on how you choose to interpret it.

Let me lay it out.

I’m a product of both.

My parents were drug addicts, in and out of jail, rehabs, multiple different people in their lives, domestic violence, check!

My mom suffered from schizo affect disorder and bipolar disorder. Risk factor for me, pretty high.

I moved over 15 times in the span of 13 years…. no military affiliation. I saw cocaine and needles at the age of 3. I saw physical fighting, hammers being thrown, hair being pulled, my mom smacking my dad upside the head with a frying pan, stepdad choking my mom out while she beat him upside the head with a cordless phone charger. I’ve seen some things, but I recognize it’s not as bad as some people still.

I’ve seen my mom purchase a gun with a silencer because she was tired of the neighbors partying. And I’m not saying she killed anybody, I’m just saying I never heard those neighbors party again, because they moved shortly after.

I’ve seen the cop car lights in the middle of the night, I’ve been unsure or where I was going to live. I’ve woken up with no electricity, literally gotten dressed in the dark. I’ve gone without eating and I’ve gone without basic things you would think all children have growing up, trust me. Again, I want to recognize that some children still have it worse. Let’s not forget #saveourchildren.

It’s easy to fall into the statistics with this background. Not to say I didn’t, because I most definitely did in some aspects.

I started partying at age 12. Drinking, smoking, acting wild. I did that. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6. Wtf was I even doing? I stole from stores and hid drugs for people at the age of 7. I skipped school, I hung out with the gangbangers, I started a “gang”, high school shit, I’ve carved into my skin, the whole cutting phase was a thing, and I never backed down from anything or anyone, ready to fight at all times.

My dad kicked me out at age 16. I got pregnant at the age of 17. So yeah, to say I didn’t alter my life negatively in some ways, I won’t lie about. My first born was my savior though. She really doesn’t even understand.

I went through a rebellious kid phase that lasted from age 6-17/18 I guess. It was a crazy journey but I adapted to my surroundings as best as I could. That’s not me anymore, to an extent.

I graduated high school with a 3.95 GPA. I never failed a class. Only got suspended once, surprisingly. I graduated earlier than the rest of my class. I started college immediately after and went on to earn my Masters degree at the age of 26. Today I’m a behavior analyst managing a fucking clinic! I have a house, three kids now, and I’m hustling everyday to never go back to where I came from.

On the flip side, I’ll never forget where I came from. Would I say I made it? Absolutely but I still have more goals to accomplish.

One thing is for sure, my kids will never have to struggle but they will know about the struggle.

So nurture wise, it played its part, but nature wise, instinctively I was stronger. I mean, I have my weaknesses mentally, I’m not okay all of the time. Nurture wise, that did mess me up a little, but nature wise, I’m still stronger. I will still fight to ensure a better life for myself and my children.

So to the great debate, I say don’t let that determine who you become. Let it all play a part, but in the end make your own decisions! You do have control over your choices now, if you let some of that baggage that’s holding you down go. Don’t let the past define everything about you. It will affect you, it will be hard to overcome triggers, it will be difficult. That’s not sugar coated. It’s up to you to fight and not give up, even when it feels like life is crushing you, you can turn it around. Think outside of the box. Think survival. Because if there’s anything that is natural human instincts, survival is one of them!

You got this!

-Dear Perception

🌩 Before the Storm ⛈

anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

My head is filling up again

With tasks and priorities

Will it pop, how will this end?

I don’t think I’m ready.

I’m not ready to be angry.

I’m not ready to feel weak.

I’m not ready for virtual learning.

I’m not ready for a damn thing.

I want to stay in the moment.

The moment before shit hits the fan.

The moment before I lose my cool.

The moment before I fuck up again.

Can I depress before I explode?

That’s an answer that I don’t know!

It’s day by day, night by night.

How long will my brain try to fight?

Stay tuned till the next time.

Fingers crossed this all ends right!

-Dear Perception

Temporary Weakness

mental health, Parenting, thoughts

A few months back, my brother said these words in response to me tearing up very briefly, I would say seconds, before acting like those tears never existed.

I’ve never in my life thought about it this way.

I hate feeling weak.

Even a little bit.

In any way, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I despise feeling weak and unable.

Now, I realize this is unhealthy, so please spare the comments. I’m very aware of myself and all of the unhealthiness that is wrapped up inside of me.

However, the phrase, “Temporary Weakness”, has stuck with me since I heard him say the words.

Today, perfect example, I cried over some shit that’s going on, like a normal person.

Today, I also cried in front of people I haven’t cried in front of in years.

Over shit that I would never want to discuss with them because it’s my business.

I cried because it is something that I hate talking about.

Something I know is an issue but I’ve been working on it.

Issues that are complex and they take a lot of work to perfect.

Perfection doesn’t exist so I can say we’re working on happiness as a family and that’s a lot of work.

Anyway, I feel fine now.

I sent some text messages thanking the people who saw me weak and vulnerable. I think it’s important that we show appreciation to the people that are there for us!

I told them it was temporary weakness and I’m fine now.

The truth is, I am fine and it was just temporary.

It’s sooo fucking important to know that temporary sadness, weakness, vulnerability, all that’s fine. It sucks and I fucking hate it when it happens, but it needs to happen sometimes.

We can’t be strong 24/7. Trust me, I’ve tried!

There’s not one person on this earth that can say they’ve never cried (unless some medical or mental issue that causes that). I’ve been looking for natural human instinct and showing emotion is one of them. Why? They don’t know yet, peep the article, The Science of Crying.

So cry it out, be temporarily weak, then wipe your tears and figure out how to feel better and fix whatever it is that made you feel that way.

I may hate having these emotions and feelings but I’m slowly learning to accept them and to stop trying to be strong all of the time.

We all have a breaking point. Try to identify yours before you hit it, because if something is triggered, there’s no controlling yourself sometimes

Let your emotions flow for the moment!

Tomorrow is not promised.

-Dear Perception