I’ve taken a break from writing, although I’m trying to make a comeback.
Can we talk about how fucking crazy life has been for a second?
I’m not sure what everyone else is up to, but I’m busy AF!
Work, kids, home life, and to be quite honest, reading has been consuming my writing time.
I’m super deep in a book and once I finish it, I’ll review it for you all.
As for now, here’s a check in.
Mentally, I feel the stress and the chaos, anxiety and depression trying to win, however it won’t.
At least not yet anyway.
There’s a ton of positive and negative things in my life but I think we all have positive and negative situations and it really just depends on how you view the situation and if you are going to dwell on the negative situations, find solutions for them, or completely ignore them.
Whatever you choose to do, I hope it’s the choice that makes you happy and feeling more positive.
Take out the sage.
Light some candles.
Go to church and pray.
Read that book you keep putting off.
Whatever it is that makes you feel peaceful, do it.
Be happy but realistically happy. Don’t be the sprinkles that overdo the fucking cake happy.
Just be the amount of sprinkles that makes you and others around you happy to be in your company!
Happy writing and happy reading or happy doing whatever the hell makes you happy!
This argument, in all the years I’ve had to pick a side for an argumentative essay, I’ve never chosen a side.
Okay, before we start on today’s rant, let’s keep in mind this isn’t the typical debate. We’ve all had to learn about nature vs. nurture, and if you haven’t basically it’s about a person and the way they turn out as an adult, is it a product of nature (natural events such as genetics) or nurture (the way they were raised). There’s also something now called epigenetics which says that nurture can affect the genes. 🤯 Read More Here.
There’s definitely not a definitive answer to this question though.
The answer is both or all of it. 🤷♀️
People can develop their own ideas and constructs from anything. Look around at the world. All of the controversy is typically because of differing opinions, or misinterpretation, or a different perspective. Therefore, nature vs. nurture wise, you can become who you are based on both, depending on how you choose to interpret it.
Let me lay it out.
I’m a product of both.
My parents were drug addicts, in and out of jail, rehabs, multiple different people in their lives, domestic violence, check!
My mom suffered from schizo affect disorder and bipolar disorder. Risk factor for me, pretty high.
I moved over 15 times in the span of 13 years…. no military affiliation. I saw cocaine and needles at the age of 3. I saw physical fighting, hammers being thrown, hair being pulled, my mom smacking my dad upside the head with a frying pan, stepdad choking my mom out while she beat him upside the head with a cordless phone charger. I’ve seen some things, but I recognize it’s not as bad as some people still.
I’ve seen my mom purchase a gun with a silencer because she was tired of the neighbors partying. And I’m not saying she killed anybody, I’m just saying I never heard those neighbors party again, because they moved shortly after.
I’ve seen the cop car lights in the middle of the night, I’ve been unsure or where I was going to live. I’ve woken up with no electricity, literally gotten dressed in the dark. I’ve gone without eating and I’ve gone without basic things you would think all children have growing up, trust me. Again, I want to recognize that some children still have it worse. Let’s not forget #saveourchildren.
It’s easy to fall into the statistics with this background. Not to say I didn’t, because I most definitely did in some aspects.
I started partying at age 12. Drinking, smoking, acting wild. I did that. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6. Wtf was I even doing? I stole from stores and hid drugs for people at the age of 7. I skipped school, I hung out with the gangbangers, I started a “gang”, high school shit, I’ve carved into my skin, the whole cutting phase was a thing, and I never backed down from anything or anyone, ready to fight at all times.
My dad kicked me out at age 16. I got pregnant at the age of 17. So yeah, to say I didn’t alter my life negatively in some ways, I won’t lie about. My first born was my savior though. She really doesn’t even understand.
I went through a rebellious kid phase that lasted from age 6-17/18 I guess. It was a crazy journey but I adapted to my surroundings as best as I could. That’s not me anymore, to an extent.
I graduated high school with a 3.95 GPA. I never failed a class. Only got suspended once, surprisingly. I graduated earlier than the rest of my class. I started college immediately after and went on to earn my Masters degree at the age of 26. Today I’m a behavior analyst managing a fucking clinic! I have a house, three kids now, and I’m hustling everyday to never go back to where I came from.
On the flip side, I’ll never forget where I came from. Would I say I made it? Absolutely but I still have more goals to accomplish.
One thing is for sure, my kids will never have to struggle but they will know about the struggle.
So nurture wise, it played its part, but nature wise, instinctively I was stronger. I mean, I have my weaknesses mentally, I’m not okay all of the time. Nurture wise, that did mess me up a little, but nature wise, I’m still stronger. I will still fight to ensure a better life for myself and my children.
So to the great debate, I say don’t let that determine who you become. Let it all play a part, but in the end make your own decisions! You do have control over your choices now, if you let some of that baggage that’s holding you down go. Don’t let the past define everything about you. It will affect you, it will be hard to overcome triggers, it will be difficult. That’s not sugar coated. It’s up to you to fight and not give up, even when it feels like life is crushing you, you can turn it around. Think outside of the box. Think survival. Because if there’s anything that is natural human instincts, survival is one of them!
A few months back, my brother said these words in response to me tearing up very briefly, I would say seconds, before acting like those tears never existed.
I’ve never in my life thought about it this way.
I hate feeling weak.
Even a little bit.
In any way, emotionally, mentally, and physically, I despise feeling weak and unable.
Now, I realize this is unhealthy, so please spare the comments. I’m very aware of myself and all of the unhealthiness that is wrapped up inside of me.
However, the phrase, “Temporary Weakness”, has stuck with me since I heard him say the words.
Today, perfect example, I cried over some shit that’s going on, like a normal person.
Today, I also cried in front of people I haven’t cried in front of in years.
Over shit that I would never want to discuss with them because it’s my business.
I cried because it is something that I hate talking about.
Something I know is an issue but I’ve been working on it.
Issues that are complex and they take a lot of work to perfect.
Perfection doesn’t exist so I can say we’re working on happiness as a family and that’s a lot of work.
Anyway, I feel fine now.
I sent some text messages thanking the people who saw me weak and vulnerable. I think it’s important that we show appreciation to the people that are there for us!
I told them it was temporary weakness and I’m fine now.
The truth is, I am fine and it was just temporary.
It’s sooo fucking important to know that temporary sadness, weakness, vulnerability, all that’s fine. It sucks and I fucking hate it when it happens, but it needs to happen sometimes.
We can’t be strong 24/7. Trust me, I’ve tried!
There’s not one person on this earth that can say they’ve never cried (unless some medical or mental issue that causes that). I’ve been looking for natural human instinct and showing emotion is one of them. Why? They don’t know yet, peep the article, The Science of Crying.
So cry it out, be temporarily weak, then wipe your tears and figure out how to feel better and fix whatever it is that made you feel that way.
I may hate having these emotions and feelings but I’m slowly learning to accept them and to stop trying to be strong all of the time.
We all have a breaking point. Try to identify yours before you hit it, because if something is triggered, there’s no controlling yourself sometimes
This past weekend while hanging out at a lake, my kids were outside hanging out with the adults.
We were all just casually conversing and my kids kept chiming in. Typical kid behavior.
However, they would contribute nothing to the conversation and get upset when I told them to leave.
I kept thinking back to when I was younger, not that I grew up with stable parents who had guests over often, but I could not remember ever adding to adult conversations in any way.
I minded my own business. Did I eavesdrop? Oh absolutely, but I would stay quiet so they wouldn’t tell me to go away in the few moments I was around them.
I’m not sure why my kids are not picking up on this. Every time they say something irrelevant I ask them why that even mattered? Then send them off. Example, my daughter, in the middle of the lake, in front of a ton of strangers, blurted out, “MOM, HOW MANY GUYS HAVE YOU DATED IN YOUR LIFE?” Nobody was talking about anything near dating or anything like that!
I fucking froze. Like why kid? Why now? What kind of intentions did you have behind that if any? You act so grown all the time why you asking that right now? You should know better!!!
I was baffled.
I played it off and redirected but why are kids like this?
Especially these days?
I always kick them out of our conversations, I know they want to be involved and need attention but sometimes, we need space.
Again, I’ve never remembered being so outspoken in adult conversations.
Maybe I’m not remembering correctly but let me hear about your experiences with your children or growing up as a child?
Did you mind your business or were you in the business but got dismissed? Never got dismissed? I’m so eager to know!
Let’s be real. You compare yourself to others. Even if it’s over something small, you’ve done this in your life. Who hasn’t?
The real question is why do we do that?
Why do we look at what everyone else has?
Why are we in a competition with people around us? Some people we don’t even know like celebrities. Comparing our bodies to theirs or our vacations and lifestyles thinking that the way they live are goals. That’s false!
Why do I have to prove myself more than my colleague for a position?
Why do people want to have such big houses and fancy things?
I don’t have any either.
It’s just mind-blowing how much we all try to be in competition with each other. Society has also governed us to be this way, by making everything in our life a competition. Take credit for example. We ask others, “What’s your credit score?” to compare ours to theirs. Houses, “How many square feet?”… now why the hell does that matter to anybody? I don’t know, but it’s a question that’s been asked and the only thing I can think of is the comparison that is happening.
Maybe that’s the answer? Maybe the answer is because American Society thrives on competition. Sports is a huge example. People have been BEATEN in parking lots over their team winning or losing. Wtf people? Is it really that serious? These sports players don’t even know you exist and you’re beating people on the foundation of loyalty? That’s odd.
Maybe that’s not the answer. Maybe humans are just naturally competitive. Maybe it’s a natural instinct? One that we are born with. Natural predators that feed off of adrenaline and competing with others can definitely feel like a rush sometimes. It’s the motivation to do better.
Regardless of why it happens, start to understand that it happens. Start to notice when it happens. Start to change your way of thinking when it happens.
It comes back to appreciating yourself. Do things for yourself and your family, the ones you love. This life isn’t a competition because in the end we all fucking lose. So do what makes you happy and compete with no one.
I set my own standards and they are not based on any other person around me but my children. That’s facts.