When Parenting Gets Hard 💔

anxiety, Parenting, thoughts

Do you know when parenting gets hard?

When you have to start being honest with yourself about the way your kids might turn out.

When you have to start being a little tougher when you know that all you want to do is hold them in your arms.

When the tears that used to be cute aren’t cute anymore.

When they struggle with right and wrong and you try so hard to guide them.

When you have to stop making the decisions for them.

When they have to learn about consequences and you can only watch.

When life starts becoming too real for them and you can’t stop it.

When you have to accept the fact that your children are not you.

When you learn that you have to deal with each child differently.

When parenting begins to feel exhausting.

That’s when parenting gets hard.

Sometimes I’m at a loss at what to do.

I feel like I fucking suck as a parent.

All I want to do is make sure my kids feel they can depend on me. That they are safe with me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough.

One day at a time for all the parents out there.

I think we all have these days. I think we all struggle sometimes as a parent.

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s not okay to stay that way.

When parenting gets hard, figure out how to make it better.

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual.

Make sure you’re writing a decent one.

-Dear Perception

Positive Vibes Your Way 😌😌

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, thoughts

I’ve taken a break from writing, although I’m trying to make a comeback.

Can we talk about how fucking crazy life has been for a second?

I’m not sure what everyone else is up to, but I’m busy AF!

Work, kids, home life, and to be quite honest, reading has been consuming my writing time.

I’m super deep in a book and once I finish it, I’ll review it for you all.

As for now, here’s a check in.

Mentally, I feel the stress and the chaos, anxiety and depression trying to win, however it won’t.

At least not yet anyway.

There’s a ton of positive and negative things in my life but I think we all have positive and negative situations and it really just depends on how you view the situation and if you are going to dwell on the negative situations, find solutions for them, or completely ignore them.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope it’s the choice that makes you happy and feeling more positive.

Take out the sage.

Light some candles.

Go to church and pray.

Read that book you keep putting off.

Whatever it is that makes you feel peaceful, do it.

Be happy but realistically happy. Don’t be the sprinkles that overdo the fucking cake happy.

Just be the amount of sprinkles that makes you and others around you happy to be in your company!

Happy writing and happy reading or happy doing whatever the hell makes you happy!

-Dear Perception

Refocused .💭. Thoughts

anxiety, Poetry, thoughts

Focus on not focusing.

Clear your head.

Deep breathing.

But don’t think about the breath.

Excuse me? Come again!

That shit seems impossible.

Undesirable.

My mind is blown.

You’re telling me,

you can do these things?

Stop your thoughts,

tranquilize your own mind?

My mind filled up with songs.

These thoughts won’t leave no matter how hard I try!

I know you’re not supposed to try though.

You’re supposed to relax.

Kick back.

Don’t think about the past!

Fuck that.

These continuous thoughts won’t stop unless I move.

Stay busy and refocused, then those thoughts go too.

Meditation may be something I don’t know how to do.

I’ve spent my whole life finding ways to drown out the noise in my head.

Pick up a book and read instead.

Overstimulated.

Then I write.

Take the thoughts out of my mind.

Stopping them? That will never be.

I’ll keep finding ways that work for me!

-Dear Perception

*CW: Nature vs. Nurture

advice, mental health, Parenting, thoughts, trigger warning

This argument, in all the years I’ve had to pick a side for an argumentative essay, I’ve never chosen a side.

Okay, before we start on today’s rant, let’s keep in mind this isn’t the typical debate. We’ve all had to learn about nature vs. nurture, and if you haven’t basically it’s about a person and the way they turn out as an adult, is it a product of nature (natural events such as genetics) or nurture (the way they were raised). There’s also something now called epigenetics which says that nurture can affect the genes. 🤯 Read More Here.

There’s definitely not a definitive answer to this question though.

The answer is both or all of it. 🤷‍♀️

People can develop their own ideas and constructs from anything. Look around at the world. All of the controversy is typically because of differing opinions, or misinterpretation, or a different perspective. Therefore, nature vs. nurture wise, you can become who you are based on both, depending on how you choose to interpret it.

Let me lay it out.

I’m a product of both.

My parents were drug addicts, in and out of jail, rehabs, multiple different people in their lives, domestic violence, check!

My mom suffered from schizo affect disorder and bipolar disorder. Risk factor for me, pretty high.

I moved over 15 times in the span of 13 years…. no military affiliation. I saw cocaine and needles at the age of 3. I saw physical fighting, hammers being thrown, hair being pulled, my mom smacking my dad upside the head with a frying pan, stepdad choking my mom out while she beat him upside the head with a cordless phone charger. I’ve seen some things, but I recognize it’s not as bad as some people still.

I’ve seen my mom purchase a gun with a silencer because she was tired of the neighbors partying. And I’m not saying she killed anybody, I’m just saying I never heard those neighbors party again, because they moved shortly after.

I’ve seen the cop car lights in the middle of the night, I’ve been unsure or where I was going to live. I’ve woken up with no electricity, literally gotten dressed in the dark. I’ve gone without eating and I’ve gone without basic things you would think all children have growing up, trust me. Again, I want to recognize that some children still have it worse. Let’s not forget #saveourchildren.

It’s easy to fall into the statistics with this background. Not to say I didn’t, because I most definitely did in some aspects.

I started partying at age 12. Drinking, smoking, acting wild. I did that. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6. Wtf was I even doing? I stole from stores and hid drugs for people at the age of 7. I skipped school, I hung out with the gangbangers, I started a “gang”, high school shit, I’ve carved into my skin, the whole cutting phase was a thing, and I never backed down from anything or anyone, ready to fight at all times.

My dad kicked me out at age 16. I got pregnant at the age of 17. So yeah, to say I didn’t alter my life negatively in some ways, I won’t lie about. My first born was my savior though. She really doesn’t even understand.

I went through a rebellious kid phase that lasted from age 6-17/18 I guess. It was a crazy journey but I adapted to my surroundings as best as I could. That’s not me anymore, to an extent.

I graduated high school with a 3.95 GPA. I never failed a class. Only got suspended once, surprisingly. I graduated earlier than the rest of my class. I started college immediately after and went on to earn my Masters degree at the age of 26. Today I’m a behavior analyst managing a fucking clinic! I have a house, three kids now, and I’m hustling everyday to never go back to where I came from.

On the flip side, I’ll never forget where I came from. Would I say I made it? Absolutely but I still have more goals to accomplish.

One thing is for sure, my kids will never have to struggle but they will know about the struggle.

So nurture wise, it played its part, but nature wise, instinctively I was stronger. I mean, I have my weaknesses mentally, I’m not okay all of the time. Nurture wise, that did mess me up a little, but nature wise, I’m still stronger. I will still fight to ensure a better life for myself and my children.

So to the great debate, I say don’t let that determine who you become. Let it all play a part, but in the end make your own decisions! You do have control over your choices now, if you let some of that baggage that’s holding you down go. Don’t let the past define everything about you. It will affect you, it will be hard to overcome triggers, it will be difficult. That’s not sugar coated. It’s up to you to fight and not give up, even when it feels like life is crushing you, you can turn it around. Think outside of the box. Think survival. Because if there’s anything that is natural human instincts, survival is one of them!

You got this!

-Dear Perception

🌩 Before the Storm ⛈

anxiety, depression, mental health, Poetry, thoughts

My head is filling up again

With tasks and priorities

Will it pop, how will this end?

I don’t think I’m ready.

I’m not ready to be angry.

I’m not ready to feel weak.

I’m not ready for virtual learning.

I’m not ready for a damn thing.

I want to stay in the moment.

The moment before shit hits the fan.

The moment before I lose my cool.

The moment before I fuck up again.

Can I depress before I explode?

That’s an answer that I don’t know!

It’s day by day, night by night.

How long will my brain try to fight?

Stay tuned till the next time.

Fingers crossed this all ends right!

-Dear Perception

I Choose to Stay Quiet

advice, anxiety, depression, mental health, Parenting, thoughts

🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Externally, I’m vocally silent.

Internally, I’m screaming with rage.

Externally, my face is neutral.

Internally, the fire is ablaze.

It’s a mystery how I got to this point.

How I figured out when to shut up.

It took many years, many feelings hurt, many fights.

But I learned when enough is enough.

Sometimes speaking wastes my energy.

Sometimes my words get lost in the fury.

So I wait and I ponder .

I tear myself up.

Till I’m ready to say what I really want.

It comes out much smoother when the fire goes out.

I can talk without exploding.

Sometimes the conversation goes well.

Sometimes there’s no smooth sailing.

So the pattern repeats, I choose to stay quiet.

What’s the point in arguing these days.

My silence, oh I know it speaks volumes.

Plus, I’m fucking tired anyway!

-Dear Perception

Don’t Do It

Uncategorized

That sounds terrible right. When people talk about kids, typically the response is, “Oh my god, you should have a baby!” Don’t listen to those friends. Those friends, especially if they have kids, are LYING!

Let me explain a little further. I had my first kid at 17. Young, right, I know. Then I had my second one at 19, which is still pretty young but I was two years deep into parenting so I figured I had motherhood figured out.

The younger me, I would’ve told you like yes have some kids. They aren’t that bad. Maybe, maybe the people who tell you to have kids don’t have more than two. Let me tell you, two is the maximum amount of kids anyone should have.

It was the third child that made me break. It tipped the scale. The balance is now out of sync. I have a two older children now and a baby. The baby needs all of the attention, but the older kids aren’t that much older, so they also require attention. There’s never a break and nobody is ever satisfied, and being the perfect mom, that doesn’t exist. Let’s be real.

What I mean by don’t do it, yes the third child tipped the scale but the third child also seems to be the easiest to take care of. My patience level has developed at the age of 29, I was 26 at the time of having her. I was almost completely done with my masters degree, about to sit for the exam to make my career take off.

So when I say, and people will tell you I say it often, “Don’t do it”, I mean, Don’t do it until you are ready. Being a mom at 17, 19 years old, struggling to make ends meet, trying to go to school full-time, work a couple of jobs, and still raise them. That was difficult. When in reality, I should’ve waited. I should’ve done everything first, gotten my degree, established my career, felt okay with life, then brought my children into this world. My older two went through way more struggles with me than my youngest one. All because I wasn’t ready. So if I tell you, “Don’t do it”, I mean, make sure you’re ready! Being a mom or a parent at that, is not easy. It’s cute when they are little, I get the baby fever, but in reality they grow up, they don’t listen sometimes, they laugh when you are angry, they test your fucking patience. In addition to that, they violate all of your privacy, they take all of your money, they eat ALL of the food, and they require a ton of attention. If you like any of the above mentioned things and you don’t want to share or you don’t have money to spend on the diapers, the wipes, the formula, the food, the clothes, the school activities, all of that, then yeah, Don’t do it!

-Dear Perception